Down and dirty
by Physcon Sahor/bugmenot665
	This is a story of a certain crow, who became skilled at swiping other creatures' things. Soon acquiring the food and other findings of other animals became so easy that he hardly bothered to find anything by himself. It's not like the things he took were the previous owners' righteous property anyway, but the other animals  tend to still become rather angry about their stuff being stolen. But the corvid was good at being stealthy and staying out of trouble. Until that one time. He was minding his own business ransacking some rodent's food storage when someone snuck up from behind and suddenly covered his head with some sturdy adhesive material. He fought fervently but blindly, and failed inevitably.
 	And here he was now, stuck to some flat stone pedestal under a statue in a park, lying on his back, his legs and wings immobilized by some really strong duct tape. And the tape apparently belonged to the crazy squirrel who dragged him here. He twitched helplessly, his embarrassing position making him feel vulnerable.
  ‒ what the hell do you think you're doing, you dumb rodent? ‒ he snapped, turning his head around and trying to look at his captor, but his movement was strongly hindered.
  ‒ oh, I just wanted to keep you in one spot. ‒ the squirrel explained casually. She walked into the bird's field of vision and sat down on his chest, looking at him. ‒ I still have things to do away from my home, and how else would I stop you from plundering it?
 ‒ oh, that... sounds fair, I guess. ‒ the corvid admitted reluctantly. After the initial outburst he decided to play it safe, considering his current position.
 ‒ well, but now that you were rude to me, maybe I should punish you first.
 ‒ how was I rude to you? ‒ the trapped crow protested. ‒ you mean, uh, just now? When I called you stupid or something? Um, I'm sorry, but do I look not punished to you? Could you just get off my chest and do whatever you meant to do?
 ‒ as you wish - the squirrel reported, smirking deviously before getting up and sitting down on the trapped bird's head instead. ‒ fine, it's not just because you insulted me or whatever. But I never had a good opportunity to feel powerful before. And with this neat little gadget, now I can! And you're a vile little thief anyway, so you're perfect.
 	The trapped bird could hardly focus on listening to the devious mammal and coming up with a good response. He found himself distracted by the fact that the squirrel had covered his nostrils entirely with her plump furry rear, preventing him from smelling anything else besides it.
 ‒ this is just... ‒ he mumbled, flustered and upset. ‒ why do you have to... get your ass off me, you filthy creature!
 ‒ now that was rude! How am I exceptionally filthy in any way? ‒ the squirrel replied. ‒ nevermind. If you're really so bothered by other animal's backsides, I'm sure I could think of something.
 ‒ what? ‒ the restrained avian whimpered in protest. The situation was becoming rather surreal in addition to being really unpleasant.
 ‒ well, I have you overpowered now, but what am I gonna do with you to show my dominance? Bite you? Sounds pretty boring. Pluck your feathers?
 ‒ She bent forward and grasped one of the feathers on his chest, pulling it until it came off, eliciting a pained yelp from behind her butt.
 ‒ this looks much easier when predators do it... ‒ she mused. ‒ nah, forget it.  I'm sure I could come up with something more entertaining.
 ‒ are you not entertained? ‒ the restrained bird complained. ‒ I'm suffering here! That's fun, right?!
 ‒ well, aren't you clever? But I'm sure I can come up with something clever too... ‒ the rodent assured. ‒ and account for the fact that I need to take a crap - she added after a moment.
 ‒ yeah whatever. I'm all for it, considering you'd have to take your fat ass off my beak first! - the black bird snapped angrily.
 ‒ you sure do like to talk a lot! I don't know, would I have to? I have to think about it...
 	The crow decided to stay silent for a while, to perhaps avoid agitating the squirrel further. He wasn't sure what she had in mind for him, but whatever it was, it was most likely disgusting.
 ‒ you must have been pretty hungry, having to resort to stealing food from a poor forest creature like that... ‒ his captor pondered ostensibly. She got up and looked down at him. ‒ maybe I could arrange something... ‒ she stroked his beak lightly as she spoke. The imprisoned bird winced and shook his head at that. ‒ yes. You're in my power now, and I can make you eat whatever I want you to. Isn't that neat? And I might just have a meal in store that would be perfect for your ugly mouth...
 	The trapped corvid was starting to feel pretty certain about what kind of disturbing idea exactly she had in mind. He wasn't sure how bad would THAT taste, but he wasn't intent on finding out.
  ‒ I didn't even really do anything! ‒ he wailed hopelessly. ‒ you're sick! No!
 The sadistic animal stared down at the bird with the most devilish grin.
  ‒ oh, yes.
	She grasped his beak firmly with her front paws, and pried it open. She then slowly crouched, lowered her rump and sat down on his face, pushing his lower beak down in the process while his upper beak was pushed backwards. She removed her hands from his head, her rump holding his mouth open at this point, and squirmed her rear back and forth a bit, getting more comfortable as well as forcing the beak wider still. She relaxed, and her fluffy tail slowly lowered to the ground, only minimally restricted by the bird's upper beak, covering his head and eyes beneath the thick fur.

	As the squirrel was about to start relieving herself, a potent, booming fart erupted from her rear, eliciting a miserable croak from her new toilet. She had no intention to be concerned by that.
 ‒ shut up or you'll choke ‒ she advised before she focused on emptying her bowels. The rodent pushed out a turd, then another, all of them ending up inside the bird's mouth. He coughed and struggled, but with the chubby squirrel backside pressed against him firmly from above and excreting more droppings all the while, the helpless crow had no choice but to swallow the mammal's bitter, chunky waste. The squirrel felt encouraged upon hearing the frantic gulps and seeing the sizeable lumps of dung travelling down the animal's gullet, and she continued to take a dump inside her displeased yet effective toilet.
 ‒ be glad I'm a herbivore ‒ she remarked after letting out a wet fart that made her immobilized prisoner twitch futilely in distaste ‒ it could probably feel much worse...
Finding the flavor of squirrel dung unbearable, the crow moved his tongue to try and spare it from the filthy onslaught. With hardly any space not obstructed by the rodent's intrusive rear, he pushed it forward and up while gagging. To his dismay, he suddenly felt the organ being held in place, making it impossible to withdraw it.
 ‒ what a cute little thing ‒ the squirrel commented, holding the bird's outstretched tongue in her paw and not letting it go. I wonder what could I use it for? Clean myself up with it, maybe? I think I'll just hold it like that for now...
Soon the crow's humiliation was joined by more disgust, as the squirrel was not nearly as interested in holding her bladder. With no warning, a stream of urine hit the corvid's tongue and streamed down his throat. She continued urinating while all the acrid fluid met his tongue and travelled all the way down. The miserable avian was in a real hurry to ingest it all without choking.
	Finally, the sadistic rodent was done taking a leak, her bowels empty as well. She finally raised her rump, leaving the bird's beak too sore to move it substantially. To his dismay, she followed on her promise when soon after getting up as she grasped his tongue and rubbed it good between her legs, with extra focus on her tailhole, to wipe off any remaining filth.
 ‒ this would be enough for now. Now you can have a rest and think about it ‒ she spoke to the utterly humiliated bird lying on the ground and and promptly departed to somewhere.
The crow struggled once more against his bonds, feeling confused and exhausted.
 ‒ wait! Where are you going?!

	The squirrel was already gone, leaving the crow to deal with his bonds by himself, somehow. And maybe he would've done that and freed himself eventually, but  it turned out that his confused shouting did not fall on deaf ears after all.
 ‒ hey, check out this trapped guy. How did he end up like that?
A voice was heard, and the crow suddenly saw the head of a pigeon staring at him from above.
 ‒ a psycho squirrel, if you have to know - the immobilized bird grumbled in reply.
 ‒ Isn't that the guy who stole a whole slice of bread from us? ‒ a voice of another pigeon came from somewhere near.
 ‒ no... ‒ the crow denied without even thinking.
 ‒ that's totally him! ‒ the male pigeon standing right next to the crow exclaimed.
 ‒ I mean, I might have took some bread, but I had no idea of knowing you'd consider it yours... ‒ the corvid elaborated, remembering the situation now.
 ‒ yeah, and that's why you kept hanging around waiting for us to stop paying attention for a moment! ‒ the other pigeon accused.
 ‒ I think he might be this guy who steals from, like, everyone all the time.
 ‒ maybe that's why someone duct-taped him to the ground?
 ‒ you don't feel so clever now, huh?
The closer pigeon said that after he walked on top of the immobilized crow's body and stood on his chest, staring down at him.
 ‒ yeah. You guessed it ‒ the trapped bird grumbled in annoyance ‒ I stole some stuff, so someone decided to punish me. The justice is served. Yay. Now would you get off me?
 ‒ I guess we could just do nothing and go away. ‒ the female pigeon pondered. ‒ But how often do you stumble upon a situation like that? We ought to do something fun to this guy, at least.
 ‒ such as embracing the flying rat stereotypes? ‒ added the one standing on top of him.
 ‒ the hell would that even‒
The corvid didn't get to finish before liquid, sticky goo splattered all over his belly and chest feathers. He shut his beak and closed his eyes quickly, but not before a bit of the filth that sprinkled towards his face got into his mouth as well.
 ‒ oh, come on! ‒ he said after coughing a few times. ‒ what is with with everyone deciding to... just get off me already! Damn flying rats! Is this all you can think of when you see a helpless bird? Are you happy now? Will you leave me alone or...
the pigeon on top of him didn't wait for the black bird to stop talking before walking forward, stepping off his chest and standing above his head. He then slowly crouched until he was sitting on top of his head, muffling his vocal protests. The female pigeon cracked up with laughter at the sight of the crow's unfortunate position.
 ‒ that's one way... haha... to get him to shut up...
 ‒ bet he's trying to complain about the smell now ‒ the sitting pigeon added. He adjusted his position to get himself more comfortable, and he could feel the slimy remains of the guano being wiped off his grimy tail feathers and smeared on the corvid's face in the process. The bottom bird went mostly silent, keeping his beak shut in hopes that at least maybe he'd only get more dirty on the outside this way.
 ‒ I never sat on another bird's head before. This is pretty cool ‒ the pigeon above him mused. As he stayed seated, his prisoner calmed down, hardly moving at all while waiting for the other bird to release his head from under his chubby rump. But that wasn't going to happen just yet. Instead, the pigeon let out a quiet, lengthy gust of flatulence that went for about three seconds before stopping when the unfortunate crow was already encased in the stench. The black bird began to struggle anew, twitching against his bonds and eliciting more laugh from the pigeon couple. After a few seconds, the observing female spoke.
 ‒ I think I need to take a dump. Get off him.
 ‒  but the fart is still down there! If I get up, he's gonna get fresh air! - the male protested. The corvid was ceasing his movement again, moving less to focus on keeping his eyes and mouth shut while also trying not to breathe.
  ‒ come on, I can't wait for long! ‒ she complained.
Finally, the sadistic pigeon got up and moved away from the tormented corvid. The bird quickly began coughing and taking deep breaths once the gas dissipated and allowed fresh air into his lungs. Only starting to enjoy his little bit of extra freedom, it took him a moment to register the other pigeon jumping up to him, her tailhole in worryingly clear view. He promptly shut his eyes and beak, fast enough to protect them from the guano that soon followed. But his nostrils weren't so lucky, and so his composure was soon broken by a fit of sneezing and coughing. This time, his timing was bad as the bird above him still wasn't done, and he ended up keeping his beak open long enough for the pigeon to do her business inside his mouth and all over his face. He managed not to choke on the runny scat, but just ended up swallowing it instead. The vile bird then moved away and observed her victim with her friend.
 ‒ looks much better now ‒ the male pigeon commented.
 ‒ he's still mostly black in color, though! ‒ the other one pointed out.
 ‒ there should be at least twenty pigeons at the town square. Maybe they'd like to pay him a visit?
 ‒ now that's an idea! Let's get everyone in here!
And that was when the crow heard his two tormentors taking off and flying away. This was his chance. Some stupid duct tape couldn't last forever. He tried to not think about being caked with bird dung, or about the squirrel crap in his gut for that matter. He just focused extra hard on struggling against his bonds as hard as he could. This was a race against time, and he couldn't let himself lose.