Shadow met every incident stoically.

Not that he had any other choice, and there was no point in hiding his attitude to what was happening: the Commander made it clear that he wouldn't tolerate pretense.

Shadow chose not to think about how this related to the obviously artificial behavior under the influence of the drug. A drug that tested his willpower time after time, putting his pride, dignity and honor at risk. That turned all his principles inside out, pulling out that contempt hidden deep in his soul, which he unconsciously directed at himself. That tore to shreds his self-esteem, his faith and, worst of all, hope.

The hope that he will be able to forget everything someday.

Shadow hated showing weakness. He never asked Aidan to stop, although what his intoxicated self was doing - as it called, begged, pleaded - was a hundred times worse than any humiliation. What base desires the drug awakened in him and what was their source... Shadow forbade himself to think about this after the first time. And each new incident only pushed these thoughts deeper, to the place where he would never stumble upon them - to the farthest edge of his mind.

But Aidan found him even there. At first, Shadow decided that everything became better - the Commander's sudden decision to give up the drug seemed like a salvation: now nothing fogged Shadow's mind and he could openly show his hatred without fear of the treacherous reaction of the body. He believed that he had seen enough in his life to confidently withstand any trial, any torture, but this bastard, this maniac, with a thin smug smile of a sadist, proved him wrong. He made him scream, made him crush his clenched teeth, made him pray inwardly to all the gods for the pain to subside. Still, he never made him beg, even though Shadow had walked dangerously close along that line. Aidan could have tried to break him for a long time, but unfortunately...

Shadow ended up breaking himself.

He was found by what he so wanted to hide in the depths of his mind. One accidental touch - and a viscous, turbid desire clung to him entirely, penetrated into every pore and poisoned his heart. It was a new drug that Shadow became violently addicted to, and which, to his despair, was synthesized right inside his body, in the most uncontrollable place. In his head.

And the enemy immediately took advantage of his weakness. Even without knowing what - who - exactly was the object of this desire, Aidan with deadly precision dug into its very core and began to tear off piece by piece, perverting in the process so that even if Shadow managed to sew the torn pieces back, they were covered with ugly scars and were throbbing painfully, poisoning the still healthy areas. What he would never have allowed himself to think about before, now became commonplace, and he increased the dose over and over again, imagining more and more perverted scenarios at the behest of his cruel teacher. And the image - that bright, alluring, pure image that filled his heart with respect, that always reminded him of the best, that gave hope - the image that was his salvation turned into something so alien that at some point Shadow realized that he will never be able to look at its original as before - openly and directly in the eyes - in fear that everything will immediately become obvious to him, and he will turn away in disgust and horror, not believing how Shadow got to this point and how he dared to imagine all that what he did (and continues to do) with him in his fantasies.

And it was at that moment when the Emptiness came. The realization came, that everything had changed irrevocably, everything had become different and there would be no turning back. And a tiny particle of insane hope, which told him that someday, if he found the strength to explain himself, everything could work out despite their seeming mutual detachment, died along with part of his feelings. And nothing could make him suffer, nothing aroused strong emotions, no new tortures and strange orders worried him anymore.

There was a time when Shadow wondered why Aidan was doing all this.

Now he didn't care.