"Hey, did you catch The Report last night?"

"No, I was working. Was it good?"

"They had some wing-nut 'prey rights' activist on there..."

"What the hell does 'prey rights' even mean? That shit drives me crazy."

"Well, I'd think you'd be awfully interested in prey rights since you're a prey and all."

"I'm not a prey!"

"I think differently, little kitty."

"Oh, go fuck yourself."

"Ooh - I'd watch your language around a pred, little kitten. You might upset me!"

"Okay, you're starting to piss me off..."

"Oh, no - I've upset a kitty cat! If I'm not careful, he might run off and lick his ass or something..."

"God damn it, I don't do that! That's a stereotype, you speciesist shit!"

"Aww, you're really getting upset - that's so cute!"

"Why don't ya go howl at a firetruck or something, you fucking mutt. Go drool all over a tennis ball or whatever."

"Oh ho ho! Quite the acid tongue all of the sudden there! Now who's dolling out the stereotypes, huh?"

"You started it!"

"Aw, you need to relax. Want me to scritch you behind the ears, kitty?"

"If your paw comes within a fucking nanometer of my face, I swear to god I will scratch your genitals off."

"Awww, the little kitty cat is all stressed out. You want a ball of yarn to play with? Want a little jingly mouse toy with some catnip in it?"

"Why did you bring that up?"

"Because I hate to see a little kitty cat all huffy and stressed. You just need a little milk is all!"

"No, I mean why did you bring up the prey activist thing."

"Oh, right - I couldn't believe the things that were coming out of this guy's mouth. I was gonna send you a link to the video."

"It's online already?"

"Are you kidding? That shit was all over the internet the second it aired - it happens every time there's one of those 'rodents are people too' schizos on that show."

"I've never seen any of them."

"How the hell do you manage that? They're all over the place! That guy, what's his name...uh...Daniel something...Meadows! Daniel Meadows! That Daniel Meadows is like an internet meme already."

"Who's he?"

"He's the president of one of those prey activist organizations that always goes on these political shows to...I dunno, represent food or something..."

"Hmm."

"But yeah, he's all over the internet. I can't believe you haven't seen him."

"He's really active on there?"

"No, not the guy himself campaigning or whatever, it's people making fun of him. You should see some of the auto-tune remixes of his TV appearances - they're hilarious."

"I don't make a habit of looking up delusional people's work. What could possess a pred to do something like that?"

"Who knows, man. I mean, seriously? Prey having 'rights'? Rights to do what, exactly? There are predators starving all over the place but oh wait, let's make sure that the preys are comfortable."

"The day I see a bunch of mice start a 'Cheese Have Rights' organization, then I'll listen to what they have to say."

"Exactly! I mean, where does it end if we're gonna do shit like this? Are we going to have to protect walnuts from the evil little squirrels taking away their 'rights' and eating them?"

"Yeah - food is just fucking food. Mice eat cheese 'cause it's food, we eat mice 'cause they're food. Exactly what's the problem in that system?"

"And to some of us, kitties are food!"

"Yeah and, to some of us, dogs are simple-minded, tongue-hanging, couch-humping, dumb-ass wastes of fur and flesh so there ya go!"

"Woah ho ho! Comeback, eh? Put me in my place, didn't ya?"

"Oh hey - you're smiling but you can't be happy 'cause your tail isn't wagging!"

"Awfully feisty today, aren't we?"

"This is so stupid - we're just buying in to one of the oldest clichés. I mean, a dog and a cat arguing? Really? We're like a cartoon or something."

"Except that if I hit you over the head with a piece of pipe, it would actually crack skull!"

"Just try it, puppy."

"Anyway, as I was saying...the whole thing is either these self-loathing predator puss-pots that just go on and on about how terrible all of us are for wanting to stay alive or it's a bunch of stuck up little snacks who just whine and bitch and moan about 'oh I'm a poor little rodent and I don't wanna get eaten oh woe is me I'm such an innocent little victim'."

"It's just BS. Prey gets eaten. I mean, no shit they don't like it and wish it were different...and I'm sure if they could talk, cheese and seeds and acorns and stuff wouldn't like getting eaten either but that's just the way it is."

"Heh, talking cheese."

"You're a dumbass."

"You're a harmless little kitty cat."

"Call me that again and I swear to god..."

"You'll what? Rub your cheek against my ankles and meow for kitty treats?"

"Fuck you."

"I bet a mouse could overpower you any day of the week,"

"I'm going to make that the last thing you ever say."

"Oh look, kitty - string! Come on, get the string! Get the string, kitty! I'm gonna film it and put it on YouTube and get millions of views!"

"I'm gonna shove a knife so far up your..."

"Come on, sit in my lap and let me pet you! You'll purr and knead with your claws like every other kitty! It'll be so cute!"

"Oh hey, don't you have some meds to take? Let me wrap it in bacon and feed it to you so you'll swallow it! Your dumb ass will swallow anything as long as it's wrapped in something. You're like a mouse in a trap - you're easier to trick than a ceiling fan."

"'Easier to trick than a ceiling fan'? What the fuck does that mean?"

"Aw, you're confused but ya didn't tilt your head! Come on doggy - be a good dog and tilt your head like a confused little puppy. I'm making a puppy calendar and you could be the image for January!"

"Oh, blow it out your ass, kitty cat."

"Oh, hey - I got you pissed off! Don't like being called a 'puppy'?"

"I don't like arrogant, narcissistic little dog treats. I don't like cats, in other words."

"Asshole."

"Y'know, you'd be so much happier if you just accepted your place like any other prey."

"Fuck off."

"See - you're too resistant and feisty. You're a defenseless little prey masquerading as a predator like any other kitty. You're dog food and you know it."

"Go chase a postal worker."

"We both know it, you just need to accept it. You're just like any other prey critter - just like any other mouse or squirrel or chipmunk or rat or rabbit. You need to learn your place, me thinks."

"And you need to shut the fuck up, me thinks, before I shove my foot so far up your ass, you'll choke on my shoelaces."

"Ooh - that's a good one. Better than that fucking weird-ass ceiling fan analogy thing you made earlier."

"You keep changing the subject, mutt. We were talking about the 'preys-have-rights' thing."

"Well, what's there to say that everybody with a brain doesn't already know? Preys are just food. There's no other reason for them to be around and they don't deserve the minimal freedom they have."

"It's bad enough they aren't just born in bellies - no, they have to wander around a bit and pretend they're real people for a while first."

"Yeah, exactly - they should just be born inside of us. That's where they belong and where they're gonna end up anyway. What's the point of all this taking up space?"

"They're food. They're a resource, like water. It's ridiculous that they're allowed to do the things they do anyway."

"Yeah, why should the landscape be marred with their shitty little prey shantytowns? This is our planet, not theirs."

"Exactly. They should just be bred and sold within cities. Why are they allowed to pretend to be like us for so long?"

"Yeah. Why should we have to go out and find /them/? They should be right there for the taking."

"Again, to think that there are preds without prey in their bellies right now - it's bullshit. Preys should be bred and distributed so that there's no such thing as an empty pred belly."

"Absolutely. They get to live in their shitty little slums, leeching resources off us real people while we're forced to actually hunt them down. That's archaic! That hunting crap should be gone by now. That's what supermarkets are for!"

"Why are they allowed to play pretend for a while before being eaten? I've never understood that - they're allowed to have fresh air and free movement and everything like that for a while before they're eaten. Why? What's the point? To use up air, or something?"

"There's enough prey to go around but they're all out scampering around in the sunlight where they don't belong."

"And then some dipshit on TV is gonna talk about 'prey rights'. 'Prey rights' is do you want head first or feet first, and then you do the opposite of whatever they say just to make 'em suffer."

"Ooh - you're mean. I like that."

"Heh, I thought you would. You're a sadist."

"Excuse me? Did a kitty cat just call /me/ a sadist?"

"What, are you deaf or something? You'd think with such huge, floppy ears like yours you'd be able to hear the waves crashing on the shore from here."

"Well, sorry my ears don't stick out of my head like little triangles! You look like a frikkin circus mask there, twitchy whiskers!"

"'Twitchy Whiskers'?"

"Yeah, you heard me. Whatcha gonna do about it, fluffy? Hiss at me?"

"Go fucking bury a bone."

"I always found it weird how cats have hairballs since cats /are/ hairballs, so..."

"Whydontcha go play tag with the delivery trucks?"

"You know what I like to do with prey? I like to convince them that I'm a nice doggy who is totally one of those prey rights morons and, like, pretend to comfort them and everything. Then, I gobble them up in their sleep so that they wake up inside of me."

"Oooh, damn...that's kinda hot. I bet they squirm a lot that way."

"Oh, you bet they do! They're so pathetic, all sniffly and whimpery - they never see it coming. They're always surprised!"

"'Oh, but I thought you were a nice pred who was going to take care of me *sniffle sniffle*'!"

"Heh, yeah you really need to learn the difference between prey wet dreams and reality."

"Ha! That probably /is/ what preys dream of. Ridiculous."

"And it sucks that we have those people going around and giving them ideas and stuff. It's bad enough they think they can talk and squirm their way out of it. Now we have these idiots telling them that they don't deserve what's happening to them."

"It's not a matter of deserving or not deserving, it's just reality. It's fact."

"If you're born a prey species, that's not our faults. We're not gonna feel bad about it."

"Nature is cruel. Life sucks."

"For a prey, anyway."

"Yeah, life sucks for food, that is."

"Heh, preys are funny."

"Yeah, well dogs are easily entertained. You probably think my house keys are funny."

"And you cats probably /still/ haven't figured out mirrors!"

"We've figured them out about as much as dogs have figured out plate-glass windows. You know, if you bonk your head on those a few too many times, everything starts to look purple!"

"Personal experience, kitty?"

"No, a little puppy told me. Dogs are dumb."

"And cats are tasty."

"If you so much as lick your lips, I'll have you arrested before your drool even hits the floor."

"Talk about bullshit prey rights! Why are we protecting kitty cats so much?"

"Fuck you."

"I'm serious - you go on and on about how preys don't have rights and then here you are saying you're gonna get me in trouble with the law for eating you! Hypocritical, don't ya think?"

"No, I don't."

"Well, of course you don't! Prey think there's nothing wrong with this prey rights bullshit. Kitty cats are prey - why are they protected by predator laws?"

"Because we're not prey."

"Typical prey response. Preys always insinuate that they aren't food, even when they're in your belly which is pretty schizophrenic if you ask me."

"Kinda like saying the sun doesn't rise - why even say it? It's pointless."

"As pointless as kitty cats!"

"Piss off."

"Well, that's not true - kitty cats aren't pointless, they're snacks! Snacks have a point - to fill your tummy!"

"Well, how'd ya like me to show you exactly what the inside of your tummy looks like when I slice your abdomen open with my claws?"

"Aww, that's cute - those pitiful little excuses for claws couldn't even scratch a lottery ticket. Actually, it feels kinda nice when you scratch me, like a massage."

"You are seriously fucking asking for it now."

"Ooooh - scary, kitty. Do me a favor and do one of those meows where your mouth opens but no sound comes out. Those are so cute!"

"What's that guys name again?"

"What guy?"

"The head of the prey rights thing."

"Daniel Meadows."

"Oh, yeah. I'll look that up when I get home."

"Am I gonna see you on TV at one of their rallies or something, representing your species?"

"Well, it's a miracle you can even operate your television set in the first place. There's not a squeaky toy hanging in front of the screen, is there?"

"Yeah, and it's in the shape of a little kitty cat."

"I'm serious, don't call me that."

"I'm serious too - come by my apartment and see it sometime! I'd love to have you over for dinner!"

"Ugh, Jesus, that old line? Seriously? Is that what you say to your prey?"

"I did just say it to you, didn't I? You're my prey, so yes."

"Well, this 'prey' is gonna fucking murder you with fire."

"So, you're admitting that you're a prey?"

"No, I was just making a joke."

"So, it was subconscious then? So, you admit that you're food deep down after all?"

"Go piss on a fire hydrant, ya dumb mutt."

"Oooh, low blow!"

"The hydrant part or the mutt part?"

"The former, duh. Do you know how many kitties like you have called me 'mutt'? That shit doesn't bother me any more than your cute little claws do."

"Have any preys ever called you that? And do /not/ say anything about cats being prey..."

"Heh, I don't think you're in any position to make demands, little kitty! And no, I can't recall a prey ever calling me anything like that. Lucky them, too - if a prey ever called me that...hoooo boy would they get special treatment!"

"Oh? Go on."

"And you call /me/ a sadistic pred?"

"Less commentary, more talk of being mean to little rodenty types."

"Mouse hater!"

"What are you talking about? I love mice! I'm a cat, after all."

"Meh, I'm more of a squirrel and rabbit guy myself. That's not to say I wouldn't go after a mouse if I saw one."

"Do dogs just not understand the culinary possibilities of little mousies?"

"Heh, of course not - we see the culinary power behind every prey. They're just not my favorites."

"What are your favorites?"

"Like I said - rabbits and squirrels. I'm a dog, after all!"

"I thought you said you didn't like stereotypes."

"Well, this stereotype is tasty, so..."

"I like squirrels too!"

"What about rabbits?"

"Eh, not really a fan. Too gamey for me."

"Yeah, right. You just don't want to admit that a bunny can overpower you."

"Bull-fucking-shit, mongrel."

"Ooh - you've never called me that before. You just always use 'mutt'."

"Well, I decided to switch it up a little."

"'Little' is right. Your insults need work."

"And your lobotomy is starting to show. What about rats?"

"What about them?"

"Do you like 'em?"

"I've never had one. Have you?"

"I'm a cat."

"Oh, yeah..."

"They're good. They taste kind of like mice but a bit more savory. It's kinda fun 'cause they think just 'cause they eat other rodents, it means they're fellow predators. Some of them even have the nerve to call themselves 'preds'."

"Heh, really?"

"Yup - this one little ratty I swallowed had been going around terrorizing all the other rodents and I guess he got it into his head that he was a real person like us. It was so fun to put him in his place."

"Ooh - I like the belly rub at the end of that sentence. Very smexy."

"Well, he felt good in there! A very entertaining little rodent..."

"So...which ones have we covered? Mice, squirrels, rats, and...what other one?"

"Rabbits."

"Right, rabbits. And you're not a fan, right?"

"They're overrated. They're the only prey anyone ever talks about. It's like any time anyone ever talks about prey, their example is rabbits. It just gets annoying. They're not the only prey species out there."

"And they won't last long with the way people eat them!"

"Psh, I wish. That's kinda sexy - the thought of completely eating an entire species out of existence."

"Oooh - that's interesting. An entire species where every single member is currently in a belly, none of them just wandering around. That's kinda hot."

"Mmm-hmm."

"You are one food-obsessed little kitty!"

"Obsessed in the healthy predator way, not the pathetic 'don't be mean to them' way."

"Right. You love them as food like they should be loved, not like equals or like people or something."

"Yup! I love rodents! I should get a T-shirt made with that on it."

"Heh, I heart rodents - that would be funny. I'd buy one!"

"Well, you'd have to write 'and rabbits' underneath in Sharpie or something."

"Why's that?"

"Rabbits aren't rodents, they're lagomorphs."

"Lago...lago-what?"

"Lagomorph. They used to be classified as rodents a long time ago but they aren't anymore. Stupid dog."

"Huh...little kitty with the trivia!"

"It's not hard to impress a dog, though, so don't give me too much credit!"

"Ooh - zing! What ones are we leaving out...?"

"Chipmunks."

"I've never had a chipmunk before. Shocking, I know! I have to rectify that."

"I've never had a chippy before either. I'd imagine they taste like a blend between squirrels and mice. Mmmm, that's a tasty combo!"

"Well, chipmunks are squirrels too."

"Hah, that sounds like a weird version of one of those prey rights things - 'chipmunks are squirrels too'!"

"Heh, silly kitty."

"I didn't know that. See, now /you're/ the one with the trivia!"

"Yeah, a lot of things are squirrels. Tree squirrels, ground squirrels, flying squirrels, chipmunks, prairie dogs, marmots..."

"Wow. Are you a scholar of squirrels or something?"

"Heh, oh yeah...I certainly am. Yum!"

"Mmmm, fuzzy tails."

"Hey, there's another T-shirt. 'Squirrels: something cats and dogs can agree on.'"

"Hah!"

"So...mice, you. Rabbits, me. Squirrels, both of us. Chipmunks, ditto."

"Well, we haven't tried them yet!"

"Well, still...like you said - a mouse/squirrel combo. What's not to love?"

"True."

"...what else?"

"Hmm...."

"Hey, not to completely change the subject, but can you take my 9 to 3 tomorrow? Pretty please?"

"What, gotta make sure you're up and ready to chase the FedEx guy or something?"

"You already made the mail-man joke."

"I said' postal worker' before and what of it? You actually do that!"

"No, I don't!"

"Bull. I've spoken to the carrier that does your block. You haven't successfully had a package shipped to you in years."

"Heh, that one's kinda funny. For a cat, that is."

"Felines are so much better than dogs."

"Oh, is that so, snack? How do you figure?"

"Do I even have to explain this? Oh that's right - this is a dog I'm talking to; of course I do. Cats are such a perfect species."

"Don't you mean 'purrfect'?"

"Huh?"

"...y'know...purr...like a cat purrs..."

"Wow, and you said /my/ puns were bad!"

"Well, they are. And anyway, what's your definition of 'perfect'?"

"Well, cats are sleek, toned, flexible, athletic, cunning, resilient, powerful...the perfect hunter. Also, we're adorable and irresistibly cute! What's not to like? Sounds pretty perfect to me."

"Heh, you forgot one thing."

"No, I mentioned 'adorable'."

"No, I was referring to 'tasty'."

"Well, see...that's where you're wrong. Cats are the perfect example of predators. Dogs are too dumb, wolves are too feral, snakes are too creepy, foxes are too...uh..."

"Too what?"

"...uh...I dunno, they're too something..."

"Ha! Can't come up with anything wrong with foxes, huh?"

"Well, foxes don't really have any negative stereotypes."

"You can't trust them."

"Well, that just means they're cunning, that's not a bad thing. It means they're smart. Besides, only prey critters can't trust a fox."

"Well...they're crazy. Y'know, like the phrase 'crazy like a fox'."

"Eh...that's doesn't really count. Foxes are kinda...weird...but they aren't crazy. Most of them aren't, anyway."

"So, it looks like kitties aren't the only master race in your mind, after all."

"Now, I wouldn't get carried away. I don't think I'd say they are up to cat-level of greatness but...I can definitely see them as second on the list. Cats, then foxes."

"And where would dogs be on this list, exactly?"

"Who said dogs were on this list?"

"Y'know, the funny thing about cats is, though, that they are the only species in the world that acts exactly like their stereotype. All you cats are fucking Nazis."

"Hey, if you feel bad that you'll never be as awesome as a feline and feel the need to mitigate your depressed self-esteem by calling us names, then call me a Nazi all you want."

"No, no, no...you're the one that's pretending here. You are, after all, a defenseless little kitty snack trying to pass yourself off as a fearsome predator like myself."

"Ha! 'Fearsome predator'. That's cute. It's a little bit hard to take you seriously after seeing you bark at the ice cream truck, doggy."

"Go fuck yourself, I didn't bark at it."

"What was the noise you made then, huh? You made a noise! You made a fucking noise like a fucking moron when you saw the ice cream truck!"

"I was excited!"

"You straight up barked at the friggin' ice cream truck. That is seriously some therapy-worthy shit!"

"Yeah, and you rubbed up against that chick you had a crush on!"

"...did not..."

"You totally did! That girl you had a crush on in Junior High - Julia! You actually rubbed your cheek against her and purred!"

"It was a game we played! Just drop it!"

"Bullshit!"

"Call her right now and ask her!"

"Oh yeah fucking right."

"It's true - we used to do that all the time, ask her!"

"You wish."

"Dude, that was like 10 years ago!"

"Yeah, and that barking at the ice-cream truck thing was like 5 years ago!"

"Good thing I bought you a snow cone or you would have bitten the guy in the truck or something!"

"Oh, up yours!"

"So, you admit you barked?"

"No, I made a noise! It was just a noise, like a 'woo-hoo ice cream!' kinda noise. Just drop it!"

"A 'woo-hoo ice cream kinda noise'? What the fuck does that mean?"

"I was excited about the ice cream so I made a little noise of excitement."

"What the shit is that? Are you a puppy or something? You said 'woo-hoo' when you were gonna get ice cream? Like those little fox kits that live across from me - they do that too!"

"Just drop it."

"Okay, okay, calm down. Get your tongue back in your mouth. Can you take my morning shift or not?"

"Ehhh, I really shouldn't just to pay you back a little...but meh, sure I'll do it."

"Thanks, puppy!"

"Don't push it."

"Heh, sorry. Puppy."

"Howdja like to see what the inside of this 'puppy' looks like, hmm? Curl up in my doggy belly right where you belong. Why not just be a good kitty and give yourself to me?"

"I'm not sure you'd want that, puppy. After all, it would probably be a really painful and not very fun death to have your stomach cut open from the inside with a pocket knife."

"Ugh, that's messed up."

"So is eating another predator."

"I said eating /you/, not another predator."

"Very funny."

"I know."

"Heh...anyway, as much as I'd like to continue this lovely conversation with mah doggy friend, I'm gonna be late for lunch. Dave and I are going to go out hunting."

"Is Dave the cheetah?"

"No, Dave's the fox."

"Hmm...I don't think I remember him."

"I'm not surprised - you met him at my Christmas party last year and you were completely smashed out of your mind."

"Oh yeah..."

"You were genuinely upset that the floor lamps didn't want to conga with you. I think you cried."

"Ha ha."

"Anyway, it's been a pleasure as always ya dumb mutt. Next time you see me, I'll have a nice full belly!"

"Ooh, can we do that thing we did last time where we make a night of messing with whatever's in your tummy? That was fun!"

"Sure! I'll let you know tonight - I should have something in me by noon."

"Sweet! All right, well I don't want to keep you from your kitty-ish activities. You scamper along now and get a nice little rodent thing for us to play with."

"Will do! See ya, mutt."

"Later, kitty."