"Can you believe it?"

"That's amazing, man - I can't believe you didn't get caught with that stuff."

"I mean, cop sitting RIGHT THERE and he doesn't even notice."

"That's crazy."

"I thought for sure he was gonna search me. I mean, what else could it have been? I was waiting on a fucking street corner, a car pulled up, I handed the guy money, he handed me a small packet of something. What else could that be?"

"You're lucky we have shitty cops, dude."

"Tell me about it! He didn't even look up."

"Psh."

"I would be in deep shit if I got caught with nep."

"Nep?"

"Yeah...it's the street name for catnip - it's from the Latin name for it...nep...nep something. Nepeta cataria, that's it!"

"Well, dude...what the fuck is this, COPS? You can call it what it is - you don't have to worry about your street cred."

"That's what it's called!"

"Kitties are silly with your weird names for little pussy drugs...what kind of street name for a drug comes from Latin?"

"Hey, I didn't come up with it - that's just what it's called!"

"Whatever; it's barely illegal anyway."

"It's a felony if you have over a kilo!"

"How much did you have?"

"...10 grams."

"Ha, what the hell, dude. Even if the cop stopped you, he'd just think it was a packet of Sweet N Low or something."

"Shut up - it's not funny!"

"What's the worst that could have happened with 10 grams on you?"

"...I dunno, a fine I guess."

"How much?"

"...like 100 dollars."

"HA! Double-u tee fuck, man? 100 bucks?"

"And it goes on your record! Do you know how hard it would be to get a job with that shit on there?"

"I thought you said all cats do catnip."

"Well, yeah - they do, but all these politician asshats try to be all 'family friendly' and shit and act like it's the devil incarnate and if the government catches one of your employees with it, they...I dunno, they do stuff!"

"Kitties are so silly."

"It sucks. It's not even bad for you or anything."

"It makes you really fucked up though - I've seen the YouTube videos."

"Yeah, yeah..."

"Does it work on dogs?"

"Not usually, no."

"Can I try it?"

"Are you kidding me? Do you know how much this shit cost me? You can experiment with your own money!"

"Pft, figures. What, do you like snort it or something?"

"I guess you could. I eat it."

"In little kitty treats?"

"Shut up."

"Heh, little kitty treats shaped like fishies?"

"Knock it off!"

"You still eat those, don't you?

"...no."

"Oh my god, you do!"

"I said I didn't!"

"You hesitated! Why would you hesitate if you weren't lying? Ha, oh my god you actually still eat those things."

"Hey, I'm an adult! My diet is nobody's business but my own!"

"Holy crap, it's true!"

"Go lick yourself, dog."

"Said the kitty cat uncharacteristically."

"Shut up."

"Seriously, though, do you eat it in those kitty treats or what?"

"Well, I don't see how that's any of your business."

"So, that's another yes?"

"No - I just eat it straight up, I don't put it in anything."

"Bleh, doesn't sound too tasty."

"Eh, it's a little bitter."

"What's it like?"

"It's...kinda hard to describe...it's like...everything in the world is absolutely perfect for a moment. Like, everything is so calm and...'right'..."

"For how long?"

"I dunno, like an hour or so. Depends on the nep."

"Stop fucking calling it that, dude! How do you find one of those dealer guys anyway - I've always wondered that."

"Psh, every cat knows where the nep dealers are. It's like Starbucks on every corner; you don't have to look far."

"And so...what, you just walk up to 'em all shady and stuff? Like, how do you ask?"

"You just know. If there's a cat wearing sunglasses on a rainy day, awkwardly trying to stand on a street corner somewhere, you know exactly what they're doing there."

"Ha! Really? You kitty cats are so bad at trying to be badass! It's like a cartoon or something!"

"Yeah, very funny."

"How much did the 10 grams cost you?"

"Money matters are private!"

"Pft, just tell me."

"No - it's none of your business!"

"You're telling me the intricate dealings of how you purchased illegal drugs and now all of the sudden something is 'none of my business'."

"You're just jealous there's no dognip."

"What the fuck would you call /that/ on the street? 'Dip'?"

"Shut up."

"You kitties are so cute, playing drug dealer! Aww - the kitty thinks he's people!"

"Well, I'd have no problem eating nothing but kitten-formulated treats if the only other choice were a /dog's/ diet. The only two things you eat are grass and your own shit!"

"Oh go fuck yourself, kitty cat. Go back to your nit or whatever the hell you insist on calling it."

"It's nep!"

"It's motherfucking CAT. NIP. You're just trying to make it sound cooler than it actually is!"

"That's what I was raised to call it!"

"Bullshit - that's what you looked up on Wikipedia while you were checking to make sure it was completely harmless and everything before you bought it! You would never take that shit if it really did any damage."

"Well, of course not - I'm not stupid!"

"That's open for debate, kitty."

"Did a member of the species that howls at police sirens just refer to me as 'stupid'?"

"Yes, he did. Did a member of the species that fits awfully snugly in a dog's belly just back-sass me like a disobedient little kitten?"

"You can't even spell all the words you just used."

"I can spell kitty cat: L-U-N-C-H!"

"Heh, very funny. Actually, I have the feeling that wasn't a joke and you genuinely don't know how to spell 'kitty cat'. They're tough words - don't be embarrassed, doggy. Sound it out!"

"Dogs are predators; cats are just cats."

"I could scratch you clean of skin and fur in 5 seconds flat, mutt."

"Ha! I could get you tucked away in my stomach before you even meow, kitty."

"Just try it, doggy - I hear that, aside from the gang rape, prison is actually pretty fun!"

"Ya sure you wanna call the cops on me with that little...'kitty treat'...in your pocket there?"

"Huh?"

"You /did/ just give me all the details I need to get you and that dealer friend of your in quite a bit of trouble. You said it yourself - that shit goes on your record...and what does the law have to say about little kitties that /sell/ catnip, huh?"

"...d-dude, knock it off."

"Oooh, what's the matter kitty? Scawed?"

"Fuck you."

"Y'know, let's make it a non-rhetorical question - what /is/ stopping me from eating you right now? I mean, ordinarily, you just threaten to call the cops and have me arrested for eating the food that city hall seems to think should be considered a fellow predator, but...you can't really do that now can you? You have illegal contraband in your possession at this very moment."

"Dude, I'm serious - cut it out."

"Heh, I think I finally have my chance to get you in my belly where kitties like you belong, wouldn't you say?"

"If you even fucking try it, I'll..."

"You'll what? Beg? That doesn't work, kitty - surely you know that by now."

"*scoff* Go hump a fucking mailman, you mutt - I would /never/ beg the likes of you for /anything/, ya got that?"

"Well, that's a shame kitty...'cause I'm pretty hungry."

"Fuck off."

"Hear that? That's my stomach growling. It's 'cause there's food nearby. Y'know what I mean, wink wink nudge nudge?"

"Suck me, mutt."

"Oh, I'd love to!"

"Fuck you."

"Ooh - your tail is poofing! You must really be scared! Wow, that's a first - I've never seen you poof your tail before!"

"Knock it the fuck off, /Howard/."

"Hey - I told you not to call me that."

"Oh what's the matter, Howie? Does the little doggy pretend to have a different name because he doesn't like the one his Mommy and Daddy gave him?"

"I'm serious, dude, shut the fuck up."

"You do that thing where you put your first name as an initial and then put your middle name. I've always wondered about that - if you hate your first name, why still keep the initial there? That's just gonna make people wonder what it stands for and why you hide it like that."

"I refuse to answer to that name."

"Well you just did, Howie."

"Fuck you, prey."

"Hey - don't call me that!"

"Don't call me that name then."

"*scoff* Okay fine then, H. James Harris."

"That's better, prey."

"Hey!"

"I'm just joking. Oh and don't call me 'Jim' either - I hate that name too."

"Jesus, you are just impossible to satisfy. You hate your first name and certain incarnations of your middle name. Just pick one your fucking like and stick to it, then!"

"James or Jimmy."

"Well, what the fuck - you're fine with 'Jimmy' but not with 'Jim'?"

"Well, you hate Joshua!"

"I don't hate it - I just prefer 'Josh'."

"I never forgave my parents for that shit."

"Are your parents as speciesist as you?"

"My Mom is; and also it's not speciesism if it's true, then it's just fact."

"Well then I guess it's a /fact/ that cats are inherently superior to dogs...canines in general, really! In fact, it would be safe to argue that felines in any form are superior to...well, just about everything else!"

"Fuck cats - you little doggy treats ought to just accept that you'll never be a fellow predator like us canines."

"Your neighbor is a cat."

"Yeah, I know - the two of you do those weird little subliminal kitty cat eye-blink-messages between each other when you come over to my apartment."

"What?"

"Don't think it's a secret or something. Why do cats do that? When you're all relaxed and stuff, you blink at like negative 600 miles per hour for some reason!"

"Yeah, and when you're even partially excited about something that fucking tail of yours starts going like a paint mixer. That's one of those things that you'd think only puppies do but no - actual grown dogs still do it."

"Jingly mouse toy."

"Fuck you!"

"Ha! I didn't even need to say a complete sentence and you both admitted to it and got defensive about it!"

"You're so full of shit - I don't play with jingly mouse toys. They were left there by my niece; she's 3 years old."

"Yeah right, kitty. And you also still eat kitty treats."

"So do a lot of other cats! Look, what I buy with my own money is no one else's business; I'll eat whatever my heart desires. Suck it, mutt."

"I can just picture you all crouched and ready to pounce on your little jingly toy...with a real predator like a canine waiting in the shadows to pounce on /you/!"

"No, a canine would probably be too busy chasing his tail."

"Did a /cat/ just accuse someone of chasing their tail?"

"You see, leaving stereotypes and such aside, simple logic supports the claim that cats are superior to dogs. Simply observe a specimen of each and compare notes - a cat moves with grace and dignity...they hunt as silent predators hiding in the shadows and utilizing the element of surprise and cleverness. Dogs, on the other hand, are more like really strong idiots. I mean, you just bumble about and knock shit over and chase whatever scurries away and as long as they don't run up a tree or something you just keep swinging 'til you hit. They're too bombastic and loud; kitties, on the other hand are silent and graceful...the perfect predator!"

"Well, you see, I actually disagree with you on several points. From my perspective, cats are simply overconfident with very little to back it up. A sort of prey in pred's clothing, if you will. You act like you're graceful and smooth until of course you get caught by something stronger like a dog. Then, your actual weakness is revealed. That's the main thing about cats - you really only have that image going for you; that's why it's so funny when a cat trips and falls as opposed to a dog or some other species - cats carry an air of gracefulness and to have it broken like that is funny. And that's the key to me - all you have is a reputation but you often cannot follow up on it. At the end of the day, you kitties are pretty physically weak; the only reason preys fear you is because they're /heard/ about how terrible kitties are. You're a lot of flash and sass in other words, but very little bang for the buck."

"Wow - those were some pretty big words you used there, mutt. Have you been practicing?"

"Mmmmm, I wonder how many kitties are inside of dog bellies at this very moment. All squirming and indignant, desperately insisting that they aren't prey or something, being all nice and filling and feisty...hmm...."

"Go fuck yourself, dog."

"Aw come on - you have to have thought about it at some point! How many, do you think? Right now...as we speak...as you make all of these outrageous claims that cats are superior and eating them is immoral and everything else...how many cats are all sealed up inside of a doggy belly, giving them a nice full tummy and some pleasant squirmings?"

"*low hiss*"

"Oooh, wow - you've never hissed at me before!"

"And how many dogs do you think have been killed in illegal predation related events in this city alone?"

"Probably none."

"62, doggy."

"What? 62? You actually know the number?"

"Mmm-hmm. Of course, that's just counting the ones since the crime statistics database was established; there probably have been many more."

"Well, if it helps ya sleep at night, I'm sure there number of doggies that not only got away with gobbling up a defenseless little kitty cat but relished and enjoyed every moment of it faaar outnumbers it."

"I doubt it."

"Think about it kitty - once that final gulp happens and that stomach opening seals up behind you, that's it. Legality wouldn't be able to help you anymore - the dog has officially won. That's the thing - once you're in a belly, nothing you say will be taken seriously. Go ahead, say that you're a cat and protected by this law or that and that whomever's listening should call the police at once - who's gonna believe you? You're food at that point! All the dog would have to do it say "Psh, yeah right mouse!" and there goes every single ounce of your credibility! Pretty scary, huh?"

"Yeah I'm shaking, ya fucking mutt."

"Mmmm, just think of that...somewhere right now, there's a dog with a nice fully belly just looooving the fact that he was able to gobble up a little kitty cat for dinner and get away with it. Every day, he thinks back on the whole experience and smiles...and he lives happily ever after an the kitty never escapes or sees the light of day again! Just pure doggy happiness and kitties being food like they belong; a completely happy ending. The way it should be..."

"You're kinda putting it on a little thick there, doggy; I'm sure you'll get tired and go back to sniffing fire hydrants pretty soon."

"That's what usually gets me about that whole thing, by the way - that idea of getting away with it. That technically you /are/ protected under but the doggy does it, enjoys every moment of it, and then lives happily ever after spending each day being sooo glad that he did it. And the dog lives the rest of his life with a kitty-filled belly, the end."

"Well, since we're sharing fantasies here, how 'bout I let you in on one of mine."

"And what would that be, a truck carrying milk and jingle toys overturning on the highway so all of the kitties can frolic and play together?"

"No, not quite...it happens to involve me sticking one of these claws of mine 2 inches into your jugular vein and unzipping your circulatory system like a sport coat. And yes, unfortunately, the law dictates that such an action would bring legal reprimanding upon the feline in question, grisly crime scene photos would certainly end up on the internet and it would stand as a lovely lesson to inbred mutts such as yourself exactly what happens when you deal with a far more dangerous and sophisticated opponent."

"Wooow; dark, kitty."

"Thank you, I think so too."

"Unlikely, however."

"Oh, you think so? Well, I think there's one little element of this that you're overlooking."

"And what might that be?"

"Cats, you may or may not know, are not just the standard kitty cat image with the little triangular ears. Adorable as we are, it's worth nothing that we're not the only kind of 'cat' there is out there."

"What do you mean?"

"Lions...cheetahs...tigers...bobcats...mountain lions...we're all felines...we're all cats. Are you going to look me in the eye and tell me that a /lion/ would cower and whimper and fit oh so nicely in your stomach?"

"Hmmm."

"Yes, exactly - hmm! Don't even try to fool yourself - have you ever been next to a lion before. I mean, there aren't that many in the city and I've maybe only met two or three but...intimidating, isn't it? Do ya feel so high and mighty next to one of /them/?"

"Lions? They don't hunt anyway, they just have their girlfriends do it!"

"That's a fucking urban legend! Male lions hunt too."

"Uh-huh."

"You're telling me you've never seen a lion with a nice full, squirming belly?"

"Well, of course I have but that doesn't mean they hunted it down and earned it. I'm sure all of us can think of prey we've caught but given to someone else as a gift or as payment or sold on the market or something of that nature."

"Interesting point, but statistically invalid. Do you know how many lions live in this city?"

"Uh...I don't know, like 50,000."

"51,500."

"Hey, I was close!"

"Quite. It would be quite outlandish to presume that every single one of them who are fully fed got that way simply due to a 'gift', wouldn't you say?"

"See, maybe that's where my entire point lies, kitty."

"What do you mean?"

"Maybe that's the whole idea - lions and tigers and cougars (oh my) are real predators, it's the little house kitties like you that are the problem. I'm not saying a fucking /lion/ isn't a real predator, of course they are. Little domestic shorthair kitties like you, however...maybe they're the ones you are trying to emulate, but you can't quite reach that magnitude of predatory skill. Little kitties like yourself are prey dressed up as pred - just because you're part of a predatory family of creatures doesn't mean jack shit. Rats are predatory too, after all, but you wouldn't consider them predators. They are rodents."

"But we eat rodents!"

"Exactly - rats eat rodents as well, and you don't hear anyone with half a brain calling rats predators."

"People call rats predators..."

"Ah ha - change of tone now, huh kitty?

"Fuck off, dog."

"See, this is what I am saying - little kitties like you /think/ you're like your larger and more dominant and predatory cousins...but you're just too small...too fragile...too weak...too prey..."

"Fuck you."

"You never answered my question."

"And what question was that, ya neutered son of a bitch?"

"Woah, ho ho! Wow, really pulled out the stops on that one didn'tcha? I actually didn't see that one coming."

"I was saving it."

"My question was - what is preventing me from eating you right now? And I want a real answer, not an insult or a threat, not some appeal to stereotype or something of that nature. I want you to really answer me."

"You already know the answer; you just want me to rephrase it?"

"I really want to hear what you have to say because...personally, from my end...I don't really see what you could say at this point."

"*scoff*"

"Just think about it, kitty...there's nothing in the world stopping me from, at this very moment, grabbing you and stuffing you into my maw and swallowing and gulping until you were aaaall sealed up inside of my stomach...and then you would be dog food..."

"Fuck you. Quit coming towards me or I'll kill you."

"Will you? Will you, kitty? Would you be able to fight back? Would you be able to run? We both talk a lot of shit to each other, but we've never actually faced each other cat versus dog...who do you think would win, fluffy? Honestly?"

"Am I going to have to mace you like the Fedex man?"

"Hmm...you seem to be trying to disperse your fear through attempts at humor..."

"Yeee-aaah-aah right, mutt. You seem to be stalling on what you claim you are so intent to try. Go ahead and try it, doggy, and you'll see what happens to people who underestimate."

"Ya never know, Joshy. Am I just playing with you or am I serious?"

"Yeah, I'm shaking, mongrel. At least it's true what they say about dog breath."

"Oooh, I saw that one coming."

"That's funny, because usually the only thing doggies see coming are the rolled up newspaper for pissing on the carpet or the oncoming headlights of a 4 door when they wander away without their leash."

"Heh...see, I knew you'd get back into the insults again. You're pretty fun to talk to for a kitty."

"And you're pretty stupid even by canine standards."

"Yup - see, that's what I'm talking about. Always with the acid tongue!"

"Meh."

"That you use to lick your own crotch!"

"That one's getting stale, puppy."

"What?"

"The licking thing; we need to come up with something more original."

"The pissing on the carpet thing was kinda funny."

"Well, it's based on a true story."

"So was my thing about being able to gobble you up at this very moment."

"Yeah, so you claim."

"So I claim."

"Well, if you'll excuse me, I have some catnip to enjoy."

"Don't you mean 'nit' or something?"

"It's nep!"

"Cat. Nip."

"Whatever mutt, the only way you can get high is get a job as one of those drug-sniffing dogs and find a cache of cocaine or something."

"Hah, hey that's not a bad idea. Don't take too much of that stuff - I don't wanna see you in some viral video salivating heavily and rubbing your head against a cactus or something."

"Very funny. I'll see you later, Jimmy."

"Tomorrow night - remember, movie night."

"Oh, right right - at Alex's place right?"

"Yeah."

"I hope he doesn't invite his friend over again."

"Who, that Daniel or something?"

"Yeah, he was weird."

"You're just prejudiced."

"No I'm not, it's just the truth - foxes make me nervous."

"How the fuck is that not a totally racist thing to say? You're probably just nervous around 'em because they're yet another species that can fit your tasty bodies nice and snug in their bellies!"

"Yeah fucking right."

"Didn't you get in trouble as a kid with something like that?"

"Oh my god, if you fucking tell this story one more time..."

"You did something to that fox kid in class, right?"

"Yes, I pulled on his tail by accident. I said I was sorry. It was like 20 fucking years ago, dude!"

"Ha, kitty got in trouble."

"I got sent to time out and it was a fucking accident."

"Still have a chip on your shoulder?"

"My teacher was a bitch."

"Yeah, she was."

"Anyway! I said I was off - I'm gonna go get fucked up on catnip. I'll see you tomorrow night and you're not hogging the couch this time."

"*scoff*"

"See ya, Jimmy."

"See ya, Josh."