In Search of the Sky
Chapter 1 - Someday Soon
POV - Jamie
 
“You done in there? C’mon, I want to see it already!”
 
Sam was getting impatient, and I knew that I would have to come out of the dressing room to show her the outfit soon or the jaguar would storm in here to see it for herself. I had already stalled too long, staring in the mirror and criticizing everything I saw. An anxious, awkward fox stared back at me, blue eyes peeking through strands of messy brown hair. Both of my ears were pierced with small gold rings. The outfit was her creation; a pink shirt that felt too loose around the shoulders and a bit too long in the arms, a black skirt shorter than anything else I had dared to try yet, and long, striped socks that went from above my knee down to my beat-up sneakers. It felt like an odd mash-up of preppy and punk. I couldn't help but wonder if she was dressing me like the girls she liked to make-out with.
 
“Jamie!” she yelled through the curtain, making me jump a bit. Finally I stepped out, trying to ignore the fact that other people in the store could see me like this. I saw her eyes light up with approval. Darren just stood there, his face emotionless. I was starting to get used to that expression of his lately, and it made my stomach sink every time I saw it.
 
“I like it…” I started, cutting her off as she started to say something. “I mean, I really like it. Just… I don’t know if I like it on me." I turned around a bit, giving them a different angle. My body felt flat and thin. "I'm not the right shape, you know?"
 
“What do you mean? I think it looks great. You look totally cute. Right Darren?” She elbowed him, hard enough that the cheetah let out a yelp of pain.
 
“Ow! Jeeze Sam, watch it,” he said. He rolled his eyes and took a few more moments to appraise the outfit, running a paw through his short, black hair. He looked doubtful. “It looks good. I just think that, well, it’s pretty girly is all.” I blushed, and Sam elbowed him again.
 
“That’s kinda the point, dumbass. Did you expect him to come out looking butch?”
 
“Naw, you have a copyright on that between the flannel and combat boots. Do you even own more than one shirt?”
 
“Fag.”
 
“Dyke.”
 
She threw a punch, but Darren dodged it. Other customers were starting to look our direction, and suddenly I just wanted to disappear. “I’m gonna get out of this...” I said, slinking back into the stall. I took one more look at myself in the mirror. My eyes felt hot and watery. When I came back out, normal Jamie was back. Boy Jamie, wearing plain jeans and a t-shirt.  Darren had a guilty look on his face as he stared at the floor. Sam pulled me into a hug.
 
“Hey, you look great in that. Honest. You gonna buy them?” she asked, giving me a smile. I looked at the clothes in my paws, hesitating a moment before nodding my head.
 
It was past dinner by the time I got home. I had eaten with Darren and Sam, so that was okay. My little brother Cody was in the living room watching cartoons, but his eyes fixed on the bag as soon as he saw it in my hands.
 
"What'd you get? Anything cool?" he asked, eyes wide.
 
"What? No," I answered quickly, holding it closer. He didn't look like he believed me until I said "it's just clothes," and then he lost interest. Luckily he was a typical ten year old kit. "What're Mom and Dad up to?"
 
He didn't bother to look at me when he answered, eyes glued to the screen again. "Um, I dunno. Dad's upstairs watching something and Mom's in the office with a bunch of papers."
 
"Cool. What about Andrea?" My sister was seventeen, a year older than me. We got along well, but I had been avoiding her lately, mainly because I felt guilty for hiding things from her.
 
Cody shrugged in response. I crept up the stairs extra quietly just in case. Seeing the light peeking from under her closed door was a relief. I didn't want any questions tonight. I didn't even hesitate when I passed her room on my way down the hall. Someday I would tell her. Sometime soon. Just not tonight. I slid into my own room, locking the door and throwing the bag on my bed. My computer stirred into life when I moved the mouse. Sinking into the chair, I let out a sigh.
 
Darren IMed me as soon as I was on. He must have been sitting there waiting for me to get home.
 
Darren: Hey.
Darren: I'm really sorry about earlier. I was an ass. You looked great.
 
Fucking hell. I really didn't want to deal with this right now. I already felt totally confused by how he had been lately. We had a complicated relationship on good days. On days like this, I had no clue where I stood with him.
 
Jamie: its fine, it doesn't matter. Don't worry about it
 
Darren: No, really though. Its just... a little weird to see you like that still. But not like, bad weird.
 
Jamie: Yeah I get it.
 
One thing about Darren: the cheetah can't lie for shit. He's horrible at it, which sucks right about now. I knew it wasn't his fault. I couldn't make him like something he didn't.  I know that, and yet, I can't help but feel bitter.
 
Jamie: you're allowed to have opinions, Darren.  You dont have to like it.
 
Don’t do it Jamie, I said to myself. Don't push him away more. You're only going to make it worse. But when have I ever taken my own advice?
 
Jamie: it's not like you’re my boyfriend or something.
 
I regretted it the minute I sent it. Some part of me knew that he wanted to be with me. It wasn’t just that we were fooling around, or even that he had been the first – any only – person that I’d had sex with. He looked at me like he wanted me, got jealous when I looked at other guys, even took me out on dates even though we pretended it was just as friends. But, he never actually said it. He never told me that he loved me, or asked me to be his… boyfriend. I was the unsure one, never willing to act like it was serious, pushing him back into the friend zone whenever I felt like it. Like I just did. And yet I acted like it was his fault, just because he wouldn’t come out and say anything about it.
 
I could see that he was typing something, and I held my breath. Maybe he would finally say it. Maybe this time he would say that he wanted to be together. I would say yes, I knew that without a doubt, but previous experience had told me that it wasn’t going to happen.
 
Darren: Yeah. Well… I’ll see you tomorrow in school. Goodnight.
 
Sometimes it sucks to be right. After stuffing my new clothes in the back of my closet, I spent an hour just lying in bed, hugging one of my plushies and waiting for sleep to come. My dreams were a lot better than my time awake. That was something to be grateful for, however small it was.
 
The next morning was school, and even though in general I disliked every moment at East Grove High, at this point I knew what to expect. Classes weren’t really a challenge for me. I could slide by with Bs without really pushing myself. My parents figured that would change in my junior year once I started taking AP courses, but for now things were simple and easy. Academically.
 
Socially, things sucked. I had Sam and I had Darren. That was about it in the friend department – which sucked during times when, like right now, I wanted to avoid Darren as much as possible. Sam knew how this went, and hated every minute of it, going back and forth between the two of us every day during lunch. Right now it was my turn.
 
“How many times did I say this would happen?” she said, pacing in front of me while I nibbled at my lunch. “I told him it was a bad idea. I told him that you can’t fuck friends without it messing things up. Did he keep it in his pants? Of course not.”
 
“Sam, it isn’t his fault. It’s not like I didn’t want it too.” It was no use. Sam wasn’t a patient jaguar on a good day. Whenever there was any tension between me and Darren, she blamed him, just because he was a year older than us. “Besides, it was bound to happen eventually. It’s not like there are many other options…”
 
“Really? You’re going with that bullshit?”
 
“Uh… yes I am?” I replied. It was actually a question.
 
“What about Dave?”
 
I looked at her like she was crazy. Because she was. “You’re kidding, right? DAVE Dave?” Besides being one of the only other out gay guys at school, Dave was student body president, the most sought-after GBF in the county, and one of the most annoyingly chipper, preppy tabby cats in the entire western hemisphere. I put on my best Dave voice; I didn’t care if it was mean, I had to drive the point home. “Like, O-M-G Jamie, you’re like, SO hawt! I just like, really want to fuck you, like, SO hard!”
 
“Seriously? Shut the fuck up, don’t be so fucking loud!” she yell-whispered at me. “Okay, bad example. But really, there are other options. Try going out with Kyle, or Avery. Find someone at a different school. Use the internet for fuck’s sake, isn’t that why it was invented? I’ve done a fine job of not having sex with my friends.”
 
“That’s because Darren and me are your only friends.”
 
“Yeah. Exactly,” she said, crossing her arms. I guess she had a point. “I’m gonna go check on him. I’ll be back in a few.” I nodded and took a bite of my sandwich as she walked away.
 
I was always on alert when I was alone at school. It wasn’t like East Grove was an awful place or something, it was mainly okay. People could be out as gay or bi or whatever and it was rare that someone gave them crap for it. But people gave you crap for other things. There were always the weird kids, the freaks,  “unpopular” students. It was high school after all, there had to be a social pecking order. Just like there had to be rules, and consequences for those that broke those rules.
 
For example, if people identify you as a guy, you have to dress like a guy. Nobody paid me any attention when I was just gay, but the first time I had worn a skirt at school a couple months ago, I nearly got the shit kicked out of me. I specifically say at school and not to school because my family didn’t know about it yet, so it wasn’t like I was leaving the house that way. Instead, I brought a second outfit to school in my backpack and changed once I got here. Luckily Sam could be scary as fuck. She was as big as Darren and probably stronger, making both of them bigger than me. Darren was protective too, but not nearly as intimidating. Nobody has actually tried to hurt me since then, but I get my share of insults and taunts, whether it’s someone calling me a “sissy queer” or a “faggot slut” or insinuating what they would do to me in the boy’s bathroom if they caught me in there. Mainly it’s the same couple assholes over and over, but it can still get to me.
 
Sometimes I wondered why I did it anyway. I wasn’t wearing girl’s clothing every day, especially at first. I didn’t have a ton of money to buy clothes, and I had to sneak them in and out of the house. Plus, I didn’t feel like it every day. I may not have felt totally like a boy, but I didn’t feel completely like a girl either. At least, I didn’t think so. That stuff got confusing. Regardless, now I was wearing some kind of female clothing almost every other day. Things were getting better, but I still got weird looks all the time. Even if Sam and Darren are my only close friends, there were other people who at least used to talk to me who now avoided me. Logically, I should have stopped, right?
 
But it wasn’t logical. I couldn’t turn it off, or change my mind. These feelings had been nagging at me for years, and I needed it. I needed to feel comfortable in my skin, expressing myself the way I felt inside. It was worth the risk to me. So far, anyway.
 
The rest of the week was pretty typical. By Thursday I was talking to Darren again, and by Friday we were pretending like nothing happened, which Sam could only roll her eyes at. I aced another history test, finished a poster for a science project, and did a pretty good job at tuning everything else out.
 
When class was out on Friday I waited for the two of them in front of the school. We were going to hang out at Sam’s house for most of the weekend, and I already had my stuff with me so that I wouldn’t have to go home for anything. That meant I didn’t have to change clothes, so I was still wearing the outfit I had worn at school that day, the outfit that Sam had helped me put together last weekend. For once, things felt good. I felt… well… pretty. Maybe nobody else was telling me I was, but I didn’t really care. It was good enough. People seemed to be starting to look right past me again, so I figured most of the initial interest and scandal had died down. I still got weird looks from a couple of my teachers. I couldn’t tell if the expression on their faces was vague concern for me, worry that I was going to end up causing trouble, or that they just thought I was weird. Luckily I was such a good student that they had to like me anyway.
 
A stream of cars pulled up along the curb, picking kids up from school. Mostly they were parents, but some of them were siblings, other family members, or other students who were lucky enough to have cars. I had just gotten a text from Darren saying they had just finished cleaning up in lab and were walking over now when someone knocked into me from behind. I mumbled a not-so-quiet “fuck!” under my breath as my phone was knocked out of my hand. I almost caught it, but it still hit the ground – luckily, on its back. I snatched it up fast, checking it for damage – a few scratches on the case, nothing bad – before turning to see who it was.
 
“Hey bitch, watch where you’re fucking going.” I met the gaze of a tall but lanky dog, a german shepherd, who I recognized from my Geometry class. His name was Kyle, and despite his height, he was a freshman. I knew it was no accident that he had hit me like that.
 
“You’re the one who ran into me. You’re lucky you didn’t break my phone, asshole,” I said, not about to put up with this shit from some idiot freshman, regardless of the fact he was bigger than me. His smug grin turned into a frown, and he moved closer, starting to get in my face.
 
“Or what? Are you gonna sic your dyke friend on me? I bet her dick is bigger than yours, fuckin’ fag.”
 
“Well, I don’t know about that, we’ve never compared. But it’s definitely bigger than yours.” Damn. I don’t know how far away Sam and Darren still were, but she would have loved to hear that one. I could tell that one got under his skin. He really looked angry now. I clenched my fists, bracing myself for whatever was coming next-
 
“Hey! Kyle!”
 
We both turned to see another german shepherd get out of the car closest to us at the curb. They looked remarkably similar, though this guy was more filled out and looked a handful of years older, not to mention he was dressed better.
 
“What the fuck is going on? What the hell are you doing?” the older guy said, grabbing his arm and pulling him away from me.
 
“Dude, let go! It’s just that queer kid I told you about. He’s been dressing like this all week-“
 
“Holy shit. You’ve got to be kidding me…” the older shep said, shaking his head. He looked upset and, interestingly, embarrassed. “What, are you jealous or something? Leave him, or her, alone and get in the car.”
 
As angry as Kyle had looked when I had insulted him, he looked even angrier now. I almost thought he was going to throw a punch. The other guy just stared him down, not even blinking.
 
“I said get in the fucking car. You know I can kick your ass if I need to.”
 
Apparently it was true, because Kyle opened the car door, got in, and slammed it shut. I just stood there and blinked, not exactly sure what had just happened. I expected the older guy to just get back in the car and leave now, but he ran a paw through his short hair and sighed, taking a step towards me.
 
“Hey, I’m really sorry about all that. I’m Brandon, Kyle’s older brother. What’s your name?”
 
I looked at him, a little suspicious. “My name’s Jamie.” He extended his paw and I shook it awkwardly.
 
“Jamie, nice to meet you. Well, not like this, but you know what I mean. If you don’t mind me asking, what are your preferred gender pronouns?”
 
“Uhh… He, him, his…” Now I was really intrigued. Not many people in our fair little community were educated about that kind of stuff, especially not in high school. Maybe he was a college student? “For now at least,” I added.
 
“Okay, thanks. Listen… I’m going to talk to him, and this will not happen again. I swear. And if for some reason it does, let me know. I’m here every day, same spot, same time to pick him up. Alright?”
 
“Y-Yeah. Okay. Thanks.” Honestly I didn’t know what else to say. He smiled at me, but it was tinged with disappointment.
 
“Cool. Again, I’m really sorry. I’d like to think he’s better than this. This kind of shit shouldn’t happen, to anyone. Have a good weekend Jamie.”
 
“Yeah, you too. See you later,” I replied, though I figured I wouldn’t actually see him again any time soon. I watched him as he walked around the front of the car and got back into the driver’s seat. Kyle was staring straight ahead, avoiding looking at either his brother or me. Brandon looked pissed as all hell, and by the look of it started chewing his brother out before the car was even moving.
 
A tap on my back snapped me out of it again. “Hey! Who was that?” It was Sam, smiling that big smile of hers. “Looked cute. For a guy. Got a date?”
 
“He looked a little too old for that…” Darren said, crossing his arms. Sam laughed.
 
“Dude, relax. I was kidding. But seriously, who was he?”
 
“Um,” I said, not really wanting to tell the whole store while I was still standing here. “Let’s get to your car first. I’ll tell you on the way to your place.”
 
Sam had a nice car. She could have had her pick of anything new, but instead she had picked up something old and worn down and had fixed it up and restored it over the past year. I took the backseat and filled them in on what had happened, pretty much word for word. It wasn’t a long story, but they had a lot to say about it. Sam got a laugh out of my verbal exchange with Kyle, and like I imagined, wished she had been there. Darren just seemed upset by it. The cheetah didn’t take it well when that kind of stuff happened to me.
 
“You should still tell someone at school. The vice principal maybe. At least one of the counselors.”
 
“I don’t think that would help,” I told him. “I don’t want to stir shit up, and they’re just as likely to think that I basically instigated it by how I dress. Besides, Brandon seemed genuine. I actually believe him.”
 
“Yes, wonderful Brandon,” Sam teased. “Chivalrous, already-on-a-first-name-basis Brandon. Should have gotten his number.” The jaguar actually sounded serious about that last part.
 
“He’s probably in college. Besides, was he even gay?” Darren asked, sounding a little irritated.
 
I shrugged. “He didn’t really look or sound gay… whatever the hell that means.”
 
“Still, he was clearly an example of an educated and honorable gentleman!” Sam put on her best fake British accent for the last part and then laughed, clearly pleased with herself. “Besides, what does it matter if he’s in college? He even asked for your pronouns – even you’re not good about that, Darren.”
 
The cheetah scoffed and didn’t respond. That was Darren code for I’m so done with this conversation. I giggled at the two of them. “Whatever. Even if I was interested, I’ll probably never see him again. I just thought it was pretty nice.”
 
Did I mention Sam’s family is rich? Not mega-super-rich, but rich enough to have a boat, a vacation home, and to live in an actual mansion. With like, maids and a gardener and a cook and everything. So bizarre. She was quiet about it, and nobody at school had any idea really. The first time I visited her my mind was kind of blown. I mean, I knew there were people who lived like that. I had just never been friends with one of them before. Plus, she was anything but proper. Once I met her family it made more sense. Her parents made their money through the bookstore/café chain they owned (don’t ask me how they were making money selling paper books in this day and age), but in their personal lives they were total adrenaline junkies. Their vacations were full of extreme sports, most of which I hadn’t known existed before.
 
Staying at her house was awesome, because even with her parents at home it was like getting a house to ourselves. She had an entire wing of the house to herself, which included her huge room which had an attached bathroom, a guest room, and a guest bathroom. The TV in her room was bigger than the one in the living room at home. Come to think of it, the bed in the guest room was bigger than my bed too.
 
We stayed up late into the night, playing video games and watching movies while we bitched about school. Business as usual, which was just what I wanted. Finally around 2am people started to get tired. Darren went to go shower and get ready for bed in the guest bathroom, which left me and Sam alone together. She finished the last slice of pizza while we talked.
 
“So, how are you doing with everything?”
 
“With everything? You’re gonna have to be more specific,” I said with a nervous chuckle.
 
“Well, like your clothes and gender stuff. You know. Have you talked to your sister or your parents yet?”
 
She knew the answer to that already, but there was no way I was going to escape from this conversation. “No, not yet. I know, I know I should, it’s just… I don’t know how to tell them. It hardly makes sense to me, I don’t know how to explain it to them like that.”
 
She nodded. “Yeah, I get it. I mean, I can imagine how hard that must be. But you know they’ll be supportive, right? Especially your sister. You know you can talk to her. I’m sure she’s already worried because you’ve been so distant.”
 
“Yeah. Probably.” I said before that I only had two real friends, but actually that wasn’t true. Andrea and I have close my whole life. She’s was one of my best friends, and we used to talk to each other about everything. Lately though, I had been avoiding her, and I knew it hurt her feelings. “I just… I know if I talk to any of them they’ll just be more worried about me. It’ll be like when I came out as gay all over again, except worse. I don’t know if my parents would understand anyway.”
 
“Your mom and dad are great parents, Jamie. They’ve always been there for you, and so has Andrea. It’s your life, and you don’t have to tell them if you don’t want to, but-“
 
“Yeah, okay, I get it,” I snapped. We had this conversation all the time, and I wasn’t in the mood for it again. “I’m sorry. I know you just care about me. I’ll talk to Drea soon. Really.”
 
Sam nodded, but looked doubtful. “Alright. I’ll try not to pester you about it so much. I know you have to do things your way.” She smiled, crossing her arms. “Moving on in the list of things to lecture you about…”
 
“This is gonna be about Darren, isn’t it?”
 
“Ding ding ding!”
 
“Damn, and I was hoping to avoid this one…”
 
“Look,” she said, sighing. “I really don’t understand whatever it is your feelings for each other are, and I wish one of you would just ask the other out already so we can get that behind us, however it turns out. Do you want to be with him?”
 
I wasn’t sure how to answer that. Part of me wanted it, and another part of me felt hesitant. “I don’t know. I used to think that I did. Now I’m not sure.”
 
“Is it because of your gender adventure?”
 
Both of us grinned. Sam liked to use the term ‘adventure’ in the place of ‘stuff,’ ‘issues,’ ‘confusion,’ or other words. She thought it was more supportive and positive. I thought it was ridiculous, but amusing.
 
“Yeah, kind of,” I answered, trying to find the right words. “I’m just not sure he is attracted to that part of me, you know? He likes guys. Specifically, guys who look like guys, not ones who liked to dress like girls sometimes. I don’t know how to feel about that.”
 
Sam nodded. “Yeah, I get it. I know he cares about you, , and nothing is going to change that. But… he’s attracted to certain things, like everyone is. I’m sure it’s confusing for him too. Have you really talked to him about it?”
 
“No, of course not,” I said with a laugh. “We’ve never even talked about… whatever the fuck this is we’ve been doing.”
 
“Gods, you two are hopeless.” Sam sighed. “Alright, well. I hope you two figure it out. I really don’t’ want to be caught in the middle again. You know I hate it.”
 
I yawned, getting up so I could go shower after Darren was done. I smiled at her. “Love you too, Sammy. G’night.”
 
“Yeah, yeah. Night. Oh, one last thing.”
 
I rolled my eyes, turning around. “What?”
 
“I have a feeling you two aren’t going to stop fooling around still, so there’s lube and condoms in the nightstand drawer in the guest room. You can thank me later.”
 
I stuck my tongue out at her and she winked back. She was such a smartass. Thing is, I probably was going to thank her. When I walked in the guest room, it looked like Darren had just finished drying his fur. He was naked except for a pair of boxers,  brushing his fur like he always did before he went to bed. I knew because every time we stayed over at Sam’s house we slept together in the guest bedroom. 

My parents and his stopped pretending to care about six months ago. We had both gone through ‘the talk,’ and beyond that they weren’t going to try and keep two horny boys apart anymore. It still made for some awkward conversation every time my parents asked about us and whether we were dating or not, but for the most part they just left me alone and trusted me to take care of myself.
 
“Hey,” Darren said.
 
“Hey,” I replied. I grabbed my backpack and headed towards the bathroom. “Gonna shower and stuff.”
 
“Alright.”
 
The bathroom was a nice relief from the awkward tension that was still hanging over us. It was still kind of steamy from his shower, and I recognized the fresh scent of the soap he used. Things between us were changing, and neither of us knew how exactly. But some things always stay the same. We hadn’t ever stopped having sex for a significant amount of time since we started. He had been with more people than I had, but we both felt most comfortable with each other right now, and neither of us were going to stop wanting sex any time soon, so… it just happened. A lot.
 
I tried not to think about it too much and get all hot and hard in the shower, because I didn’t know what to expect tonight. Despite my mixed feelings, I knew I was ready and willing tonight. Him, I wasn’t as sure. Once I was clean and the fur dryers had gotten me mostly dry, I put on a pair of gym shorts and went back into the room. He was lying on the bed with the lights off, but the streetlights and the moon were shining through the window so bright I could still see just fine. 

The outline of his body in that light was perfect. Lithe, like most cheetahs, but strong, too. My stomach was filled with that all too familiar fluttering sensation. There were moments when he was all I wanted and my heart felt like it was going to burst. How could things be so complicated the rest of the time when they felt so simple like this? I sat next to him on the bed, legs crossed. He sat up a bit, and looked at me. 

“I-”

“I- shit. Sorry,” he mumbled. 

“No, its okay. You first?” 

He nodded, but took a moment before he spoke again. “I think we should, you know, talk about things.”

“Yeah. We should.”

Darren sat up all the way, turning to face me head on. “I just… we should be clear about where we stand with each other. I don’t want to keep ignoring it. We both need to be honest about how we feel.”

My heart starting beating faster. I didn’t know if I was ready to have this conversation, even though it was long overdue. What did he expect from me? How was I supposed to feel? As often as I imagined what it would be like, you’d think I would have been prepared. Darren must have realized that I didn’t know what to say, because soon he filled the growing silence. 

“Okay, well… I guess I’ll start.” He took a deep breath. “I really like you, Jamie. I think I might be in love with you. But… “ 

I blushed as he trailed off. I knew what he couldn’t say. “But you don’t like me as a girl. You like me as a boy.” 

“I like you as you, Jamie. Always. But it does change certain things, even if I don’t want it too. I feel like there’s this whole other side of you I don’t know. Sometimes you don’t even look like the same person. And yeah, that’s hard to get used to.”

“I know, really, I know. And I don’t… I don’t blame you for that,” I said, looking down at my paws. My eyes felt hot and watery, but I held the tears back. I don’t cry in front of people. “I’m sorry. Sometimes I get upset about it. I think I might love you too, and I want you to like all of me. I can’t blame you for not being attracted to things you just don’t like. It’s just hard. Sometimes I just don’t feel good enough.” 

“Jamie…” His paw reached for mine, holding onto it gently. “It’s not like that. You’re amazing. We just… things are changing, is all. You’re figuring stuff out, which is super important, and that’s great. You need to do that. And it’s going to take some time for me to adjust and figure things out too. Okay?” 

I nodded, blinking. I thought to myself that maybe it was too late. If we had been able to talk about our feelings sooner maybe we would already be together. Then again, it didn’t mean we wouldn’t still be having the same problems. “All this time I thought you were the one who was bad at talking about your feelings. I think you’re better at it than I am.” 

The cheetah  let out a small laugh, pulling me into a hug. His arms felt so warm around me. “Yeah, that might be true. You’re more closed off than you think you are.” 

Even though I didn’t like it, there was truth to that, and it strung. I thought about how much I had pushed him away over and over, and how much I was keeping from my sister, and the rest of my family. I was tired of feeling alone. I was tired of feeling like I was always running away from everything without even admitting to it. And yet, that’s exactly what I wanted to do in that moment. 

“Hey,” Darren said, bringing my focus back to the present. “So are we good? I know things aren’t really resolved so much as just ‘lets see how things go’, but…”

“Well, I guess that depends,” I said. 

“Oh what?” 

I smiled at him, leaning in to nuzzle against his neck. “On whether or not this means we have to stop fucking.” My paws wandered, one moving up his chest while the other groped between his legs. There’s always more than one way to run. I couldn’t leave the room, but I could outrun my feelings and fears by throwing myself into something else. Sex was as good of a mask to hide behind as any. 

“That, that’s up to you,” he answered, already starting to grow hard under my paw. “I’m not sure it’s a smart idea, but I’m not going to say no…” 

“Does it look like I care about being smart?” I kissed him, slipping my tongue into his mouth. At the same time, my paw slid into his boxers, grasping his growing length. The cheetah let out a groan. He was panting by the time I broke the kiss. 

Guys can be so fucking stupid. 

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Notes from the author: Thanks for reading! This story carries a lot of personal importance to me, so I want to be clear about a few things. The characters in this story, and Jamie in particular, reflect aspects of myself, both from when I was younger and now in the present. As such, I appreciate sensitivity towards the identities and themes expressed in the story. That goes for both mental health issues (such as depression and anxiety) and sexuality/gender issues. There is a huge lack of trans, nonbinary/genderqueer, and intersex representation in the fandom. People use and throw around problematic words like herm, hermaphrodite, cuntboy, futa, etc. and fetishize them extensively, but rarely portray transgender or intersex characters realistically or respectfully. To be clear, that comes with the territory to an extent. Porn is about fantasy, and I’m all for people enjoying whatever turns them on. But, it’s disheartening as someone who identifies as queer and nonbinary. Beyond self-expression, my goal is to fill in that gap just a little bit.

Jamie is just one character. He can’t speak for any one group more than I can. He’s also still figuring things out, which means terms (and tags) will change over time. Jamie was assigned male at birth (AMAB), and at this point in the story is still using male pronouns (he, him, his). Because of this, and because of how gender tags are used and what people’s expectations for sex scenes are, I’m using the M/M tag. But at this point Jamie has already decided he doesn’t really feel like a “boy,” even if he doesn’t have words for it yet. He’s nonbinary; more specifically, gender-fluid. When he dressed in feminine clothing, he’s not “crossdressing,” because he isn’t dressing in the clothes of the “opposite” gender; he’s dressing in a way that aligns normally with his non-normative gender identity. When he comes into that identity more, I’ll be using the M/Other tag. 

Gender identity is not a choice, nor is it purely social or psychological, though those things help shape how we interpret and understand gender. Gender identity has at least some significant origins in our neurology, the structure of the brain itself. We are a long way from figuring out how all of that works, just like how we don’t fully understand orientation despite the fact we’ve identified numerous biological factors that contribute to it, but we’re learning more every day. 

I’m not writing this story to stand on a soap-box. I’m writing it because I want to, and because I need to. Though I think it's important to give some background info to help people understand things better, rest assured I won’t be writing these long notes on every chapter! Thanks again, and if you have any questions or comments feel free to reach out to me.