"L-Liam?" I whisper into the darkness of the opened door in front of me. I wait almost a minute in silence, my eyes slowly adjusting to the dark. The only noise is the quiet pittering of rain on the roof, for now. It's storming again. I hate storms. It's been a few months since the big storm - the reason I'm here now with my older brother, Liam. I try not to think about it and whisper again, "Liam…"
Still no response for several more seconds. I start to feel more and more disheartened as the rain ticks on the roof. I wish I could find it peaceful again, like before. Now I just feel chilly, standing here before my brother's room in just my favorite pink underoos.
I start to open my mouth to whisper again when CRACK! A bolt of lightning met almost immediately by its adjoining crack of thunder spotlights the room for half a second and sends me shrieking into Liam's bed.
"Liam!" I yelp, petrified by the thunder.
My big brother finally and instantly shoots to attention, sitting up in the bed with his back straight and short mohawk-mane standing on end. He senses me leaping into his bed and quickly reaches out a paw to yank his dresser lamp on. Its amber light floods the room, and my eyes feel wet with tears trying to adjust. I go to wipe them away, but only a few small drops have formed. It's been weeks since I could cry.
"What are you doing up?" Liam sighs. He slowly raises his thin glasses to his face, the soft gray spots all over his face-fur reflecting and glinting off the glass. His lean, hyena frame shifts as he stretches his back and then returns to his always perfect, scholarly posture.
"The… thunder…" I whisper.
"Thunder?" He asks, "I didn't hear any -"
SMASH! Another bolt lights the room for a second and rumbles angrily outside.
I shriek and push my way further onto Liam's bed. I wrap my arms around his chest and bury my face into his fur. My heart is racing in my chest so fast that it hurts.
I feel Liam's paw press between my shoulder blades and massage lightly. He says calmly, "Caleb, I know it's scary, but you'll be alright. This is the second storm since you got here, and you were fine after the first, right?"
"Can I sleep in your bed?" I sniffle into his chest fur, barely able to process what he's said.
Liam starts to say, "I don't know if that's -" but KCSHH! the thunder rattles the room again.
I push further and find myself somehow closer to him. I can't stop shaking as I cling to him, every hair on my back standing on end. He closes his other arm around me and holds me there.
"This is the worst night," I say horsley, my voice starting to hurt from the earlier shrieks, "It's just like when they left…"
Liam holds me for a good minute, half cradling me as I sob into him, tears still trying to well in my eyelids but nothing more than a few drops of moisture forming. He runs a hand through my hair then rubs my neck carefully. Finally, he whispers, "I'm going to let you sleep in here."
I feel a small surge of relief and surprise as he says that. I pull back slightly and look up at him. I whisper back, "thanks, Liam."
"Did you go potty?" He asks innocently, looking back at me.
I feel my cheeks blush as I nod my head yes, letting out a whine of embarrassment. I've been wetting more and more recently, ever since mom and dad died. This is the first time Liam has let on that he knows about it. Before now he's been letting me get away with sneaking my wet sheets into the laundry room almost every other morning, but I guess he doesn't want to do that with his own sheets. I understand why - I stopped wearing pajamas because of the hassle of cleaning up everything - but it doesn't make it any less embarrassing.
"Okay, good," he says, and he yawns a long, high-pitched whine while stretching an arm above his head. He replaces his glasses on the dresser with one hand, still holding around my back with the other. Then he puts his arms both back around me and lets me stay dug in close to him for another minute or so in silence, my dry sobbing mingling with the rain and occasional thunder burst. I try and slowly succeed in calming myself down as I feel his much slower heartbeat thumping in a normal rhythm, contrasted against my racing heart and shaking, cradled form.
As my heartbeat returns to normal and I regain my breath, Liam rubs lightly into my shoulder blade. He keeps holding me and gently shuts out the light, leaving the room suddenly pitch black again. My fur tries to rise again as I realize that any moment could be another flash of lightning followed by an evil shake of thunder, but Liam seems to notice my rerising distress and pats down my neck fur soothingly.
"I apologize for this being so difficult," he says, his voice as even and matter-of-fact as ever. 
"It's- it's not y-your fault…" I stammer, my voice still shaky.
"Still," he whispers, "hopefully we can find ourselves some sleep."
He releases me and lays down on his left side, giving me a wide portion of the bed to choose from. As I look into the darkness of the room and see mostly his sharp eyes looking back at me, I wiggle over off the covers to climb under them. Liam smoothly moves his blanket so that it covers him and can fold back over me once I lay down. I seize the opportunity and push up close to him, my small frame fitting into his big one. I lean my forehead into the crick of his neck and curl my arms and legs into his torso and waist. I feel a strange sudden safety, close to how I felt curled up with mom or dad.
He seems a bit surprised by how close I am, shifting back a few centimeters. I let him shift and try to accept that he isn't dad. That thought hits me, though, and I get a moment of loneliness and sadness that I haven't been able to feel for weeks before Smack! another diabolical rumble pushes me back into the relative safety of Liam's chest. My mind is on fire as I force myself to not think about anything and just hold onto my big brother for dear life.
I shake against Liam, my eyes closed tight and my teeth chattering. I feel his arms wrap around me. One goes under my head and holds it up like a pillow. And the other wraps the lower half of me, pushing me from my thighs so I cuddle closer to him.
He lets out another long breath and whispers slowly, "I am so sorry, Caleb. I know that losing them hurts, and I feel sad because of it. But I cannot even imagine how you are feeling. You lost something you still need."
There is a long pause before he continues, "I have no idea what to do. I am so confused as to how to help you."
I gasp into his chest, not knowing how to respond. My mind races. I just want to feel okay again! To feel small again! I'm thirteen! I'm not an adult! I don't want to be an adult!
I sob, "I- I don't know, eith-errr." Still, no tears escape my eyes. It's been so long since I could cry, since I could really feel my actual emotions and not just be terrified.
Liam pulls his arm that is over me up and starts to lightly scratch my back. He whispers with intent, "I am going to help you. I am going to get you what you need. And what you want."
I croak, "I d-on't know what I want-"
There's another long pause as he continues to rub up and down my back, trying his best to sooth me. Another strike of lightning and thunder resets his progress and leaves me shaking myself to exhaustion in his arms. He tightens them around me and suddenly says with a force that moves me to listen, "Hey, this is important. I need you to do me a favor. Can you do it for me?"
"What is it?" I whisper back, pulled out of myself by his sudden presence.
"Can you think about what you need? Can you think about what would help you, and- then tell me about it- when you can?"
I try to rummage through my spinning head for what I need. For what I want. For anything I could possibly want that he could give me. Another silence fills the room, and I realize that the rain, and hopefully the thunder, has finally stopped.
What do I want?
Liam breaks the silence, "No pressure to answer right away. When you think of something, please tell me. I am not accustomed to this, but I want to help."
I feel the throbbing in my brain finally going down. The current situation I find myself in slowly becomes more clear in my head. I've hardly had any physical contact with anyone in months, just the occasional hug or high-five from Liam. I feel strangely both safe and not safe here. He's not my dad, but he is my brother. He's not a big strong guy, but I trust him. I love him.
I wish I knew what could be done to fix this. I want him to help me. I want to feel things again. I want to actually cry and laugh and everything. And I want to be a kid again. I don't like having to be completely responsible, for myself or otherwise. I want to feel like someone cares for me. I want to feel again.
A weird thought springs into my head as I lay here in against Liam, his arms holding me tight to his much larger form.
I want him to spank me. I- I want to be little and sad and… I don't know… naughty? I think I want to wet the bed.
I blush as all of that surfaces in my thoughts. All of that would be dumb, wouldn't it?
Do I really want that?
How would Liam react?
I feel so weird and cringy and gross just thinking about this, but the thought doesn't leave my head.
I open my eyes and turn my head slightly to look at the ceiling. I feel Liam’s chest pushing in and out, slower than before. He doesn't react to my movement. I think he's asleep. I feel myself finally calming down as he cradles me, one arm protectively around my head and the other supportively under my butt just like dad used to pick me up. I feel a calm that I haven't felt in months.
Just as I think I might finally fall asleep, there's a small prick of pain in my bladder. I need to pee. Not bad, maybe, but enough that I should be worried about wetting the bed if I let myself fall asleep. I go to wake Liam, but just before I do that thought reemerges. Maybe if I prove that I'm just a little kid, he'll let me be one again.
With a devious feeling in my gut and a little smile on my face, I cuddle back up into Liam's grasp and finally fall asleep.