Experimentation 5

Donatello stayed in his lab all night to avoid Leo. He would never be ready to talk about what happened. Don was also pretty sure Leo wouldn’t ever be ready to talk about it. How would Leo even handle it if he found out? 

“Sorry we lied to you Leo. We didn’t get trapped by the Foot. We were captured by aliens, drugged, and then spent the next twenty-four hours violently raping each other and anything else that got in our path. But everything’s fine now. Honest. Oh wait no. I’m lying to you again. We’re not fine.”

Don could only imagine Leo’s horrified expression, which he’d then try to get under control. Leo couldn’t know about it all because then he’d aslo have to live with the knowledge of what they’d done. Don didn’t want Leo to have to go through that. 

Donatello’s stomach growled and he picked up a mug of water, drinking it down and filling his stomach. Trying to keep the hunger at bay. But three days of nothing but water and a small amount of blended fruit wasn’t going to keep his strength up. He’d avoided training for the last two days and Splinter was very unhappy about it. Splinter was also confused. It wasn’t like Donatello to argue back and disobey so vehemently. But Donny couldn’t keep it up. He knew he was going to have to take part in training sooner or later, and that would be very hard.

Don frowned at the clock on his wall. It was almost morning. This was also the third night he hadn’t slept. Everything was going around in his mind. He couldn’t stop thinking about what he’d done to Raph. And the aliens. The female aliens. The male alien. Don tried to argue with himself rationally. They deserved it. The aliens had drugged him and Raph and made them do horrible things to each other. They deserved everything they got. Don tried his best to convince himself of that but it didn’t work. What he’d done to them was awful. Even though he’d been drugged, he remembered it all. Every deplorable moment of it. Don left his lab, he made it to the bathroom just in time as he vomited, his stomach emptying of all the water he’d drunk.

“Donatello.” Splinter stood in the doorway. “Are you ill?”

Don stood up and wiped his mouth, then nodded. That would give him the perfect reason for his strange diet.

“Have you been awake all night?”

Don nodded again.

“Then you must get some sleep.” Splinter frowned. “We will not argue about training today, but I insist you stay in your bed. No projects or fixing the Battle Shell. Or covering for Raphael.”

“What do you mean, ‘covering for Raphael’?” Donny asked in puzzled tones as Splinter ushered him up to his bedroom.

Splinter was silent and Don knew then that Splinter was going to speak to Raph about his aggressive behavior. Don realized that Splinter had probably been coming to speak to Don just then, but one look at his current condition had changed Splinter’s mind.

“When did you last eat?” Splinter tucked the bedcover under Donatello’s chin. It had been a long time since Splinter had tucked them into bed.

Donatello considered lying. But Splinter could probably tell. And most importantly, Don didn’t want to lie to his father any more than he had to. 

“Yesterday I blended a banana with some milk.”

“That is all? And the day before?”

“Nothing sensei. I’m not hungry.”

That was a lie. Don regretted saying it. Especially as stomach rumbles gave him away.

Splinter gave a sigh. “You have not slept for as long either. I can tell. Sleep now.”

Don gave a nod and rolled onto his side. He shut his eyes, then when Splinter left he opened them and stared at the wall. The sordid events started going around and around in his head again. He’d killed the first male alien while they were raping it. He hadn’t pulled free and as a result Don had suffocated the creature with his penis. Horrific. Don shut his eyes and finally allowed tears to squeeze out between his lids.

***

“Donatello is not to be disturbed today without very good reason.” Splinter said to Mike and Leo at breakfast.

“I broke my controller. Is that good reason?” Mike asked.

“No. It isn’t.” Splinter poured a bowl of cereal.

Mike frowned at the table. “Awwww. I can’t play my game.”

“There are many other things that you can do Michelangelo.”

“Can I take him lunch?” Leo asked.

“If he is not sleeping. But don’t ask him questions. I want him to rest. He is unwell.”

“Then I’ll heat up a can of chicken soup.” Leo said.

“That would be very thoughtful.”

Leo beamed widely.

“Training is in an hour.” Splinter picked up the cereal and headed off to Raph’s room.

“Raphael.”

Raph opened his door and frowned at his sensei, then he looked at the bowl of cereal and sighed. “I’m not hungry.”

“You have training in an hour, you need energy.”

Raph took the bowl from Splinter and rolled his eyes. “Thanks.” He turned away.

“I would like to speak with you Raphael.”

Raph shut his eyes and groaned. “Can’t it wait?”

“No. I don’t believe it can.”

Raph moved back into his bedroom and hopped up to sit on his hammock. “There’s nothing else to say sensei. We went out to the scrap yard. We saw the Foot doing illegal stuff. We followed them into an empty house and then we got trapped for twenty four hours.”

“I have heard your story, Raphael. I don’t need to hear it again. Why aren’t you eating?”

“I’m eating!” Raph stuffed a spoonful of cereal into his mouth and chewed. He gave Splinter a wide smile. “Mmmmm.”

“Donatello is sick. Do you know why that might be?”

“No.” Raph shrugged. “Maybe he caught a bug.”

Splinter frowned at Raphael. “Something is amiss. Something happened to the two of you and neither of you will speak of it. I know you find talking about emotions difficult my son and I will not force you to say or do anything. But Donatello is usually so open, yet he has completely withdrawn. If you can tell me why, then I would like to know.”

Raph stared down into his bowl. “I can’t tell you sensei.”

“Then I can’t help.”

“What makes you think you could help?” Raph snapped. “You can’t help!” He stopped himself. “Sorry. Sensei.” Raph put the cereal down. “I didn’t mean to snap.”

Splinter stroked Raph’s head. “You are distressed.”

There was a long silence, Raph finally looked up at his father. “I can’t tell you. Not this time, sensei. Please… it’s just something me and Don need to handle on our own.”

Splinter sighed.  “You are never on your own. Not in this family. I hope you do come to me. “ Splinter made his way over to the door and then turned in the doorway. “Do not disturb Donatello unless absolutely necessary.” 

Raph nodded and watched Splinter leave and make his way into the training room. Raph leant in the doorway and frowned down at the lair. He really wasn’t in the mood for training. Not with his brothers. He wanted to beat the living hell out of something. He’d already hurt Donatello badly. The last thing he wanted to do was hurt Leo and Mike too.

“Psst. Raph!” 

Raph frowned and looked over at Donatello’s room, the door was open a crack and he could just see Donny’s face peering at him. Raph’s heart skipped a beat and he strode over.

“What?”

“Can you get me my ointment? It’s in the bottom left desk drawer in my lab, under some papers.”

“Sure.” Raph vaulted over the rail and retrieved the tube before returning to Donny and handing it over. “That stuff sure is difficult to put in.”

Donny’s expression turned pained. “I know.”

Raph chewed on his lip and then glanced back down at the living area. “Want some help?”

Don stared back at him dumbly for a moment. “W…what? How?”

Raph rolled his eyes, trying to hide his embarrassment and pushed the door open, sidling in and locking the door.

Don flinched and panicked. “Why are you locking the door?”

“So Leo doesn’t come in.”

Don nodded. He looked down at the cream in his hand and then up at Raphael. There was another long, uncomfortable silence. Raph knew he’d have to take control.

“Lie down Donny.”

Don grimaced.

“Do you want this stuff or not?”

The spray had worn off days ago. Raph was no longer deranged. Nothing bad was going to happen. After a moments hesitation Don lay face down on his bed. 

“Okay,” Raph peered under Donatello’s shell and frowned. “Lift your butt up.”

Don did so, cringing with embarrassment.

Raph squeezed ointment on his finger and gingerly touched Don’s anus. Don shot away from him towards the head of the bed, then turned and stared, the color draining from his face.

“Aw jeez Donny, I barely touched you.”

“It hurts. It hurts really bad. I don’t know if you can do it. I can’t.”

Raph blinked. “I’ll be gentle as I can okay. But if it’s gonna hurt, then it’s gonna hurt. Try and relax.”

After a moment’s hesitation Don lay back down, he reached behind him and pulled his butt cheeks apart. Four hands were probably better than one. Raph’s finger rubbed the ointment on Don’s opening, then he put more ointment on and slowly, very slowly pushed his finger into his brother’s anus. Don gasped in pain. 

“Try and relax.”

Don shut his eyes and took deep breaths, trying to see past the pain. The ointment should start to work. It would help in the long run. But the pain…

“That’s enough.” Don sobbed. “Leave it.”

“But…”

“I can’t do it… it hurts too much… I’ll try again later.”

Raph realized then that he really had hurt Don a lot more than Don had hurt him and slowly pulled his finger out. Don groaned and bit his lip, making it bleed.

“Later?” Don repeated a little fearfully. “No…”

During their lifetime as ninja Donny had very deep wounds, broken bones and painful head injuries and he’d dealt with them all stoically. Rationally. Clearly this was pain of a different kind.

“Yeah. I’ll try later, bro. You need my help. We need to fix this.”

Don shut his eyes and nodded reluctantly. Raph put the tube of ointment under the pillow and left him alone. 

Once he was outside Raphael gripped the rail, and stared unseeingly ahead. All he could see were the pictures in his mind. His brain a red-hot mist had told him to fuck, his loins insatiable and demanding to be satisfied. And his brother under him crying out, trying to talk sense into Raph’s impenetrable, drugged up mind. Raph had just wanted to fuck. It was that second time, in the room with the smashed jars, Raph has gone in almost dry because only his orgasm had mattered, and he’d really gone to town on Donny. Hard. Fast. Relentless. Raph’s grip tightened on the rail. How could he have hurt his own brother like that? And then, that alien. Raph’s lip curled into a snarl. During Raph’s intoxicated insanity, and he’d watched through the window as the alien forced its cock into Don’s mouth. He’d watched the creature repeatedly rape his brother with its two sex organs. Raph was wracked with guilt because while he was drugged it had been like porn for him. He got off on it. He’d wanted Don’s ass too. He’d wanted to be doing the same to Donny. In that drugged state he hadn’t been concerned for his brother at all, he was jealous of the alien because he’d wanted to be the one pounding Don’s ass and forcing his dick down Donny’s slick throat.

An anguished moan escaped Raph’s gullet as he thought about it. Leo appeared below and waved.

“You ready?”

Raph didn’t answer. He went to the bathroom and washed the ointment from his hands then he went to join his brothers.

Training did not go well. Raph tried to stay calm. But his head was full of all the perverted things that had happened to him and Donny. Intense guilt. Fear that Don would never forgive him. And here was Mikey messing about, in a misguided attempt to cheer Raph up. Obviously it didn’t work. Raph became irritated and then angry. All he wanted was for Mike to shut up. To leave him alone and let him get training over with.  But snapped and tried to force Mike to shut up. Leo and Splinter had to pull him away and Raph was instructed to go to his room.

Raph lay in his hammock trying to rid his head of the things he’d done to Donatello and failing. Donny lay under him, whimpering in pain, but with his cock in his hand, jacking himself off despite the agony in his ass. Raph pulled his own cock from his shell, rather guiltily, and started to masturbate as he remembered the moment. Don had looked damn sexy. It was the smudge of powder on his nose that had made him horny even though Raph had been savagely raping him at the same time.

The guilt was too much, so Raph turned his thoughts back to the times Donny had fucked him instead. Those thoughts were safer and more welcome. Raph began to fantasize about a training session where Don could tie Raph to his bo again and bend him over. He could tie one to his legs too. Raph would be completely  immobile so he couldn’t hurt Donny. That was good. And then Don could enter him slowly, maybe say something a bit dirty, though it was hard to imagine Donny saying something like that. Then he’d start to fuck Raph. Raph’s hands stroked his shaft quickly, his thumb rubbing the sensitive underside just at the tip. What else could Donny do to him? Raph’s imagination began to fail and he was back in the alien place re-living Don raping him. And  Raph was loving it. Even when his ass hurt and he couldn’t take any more, it was still good material. Raph moaned his brother’s name as he came and again stared over at the family photograph and Donny grinning back out at him..

He took a deep breath and bit back tears. “I am seriously fucked up.”

***

Leo peered around the door to Don’s room, to see if he was awake yet. Leo kept checking. He was determined to get Donny to eat something. Donatello always appeared to be sleeping but Leo wasn’t sure if he was faking it just to avoid speaking to anyone. Leo glanced behind him, Splinter was nowhere in sight, so Leo slipped through the door and went closer to Don to inspect him. Don’s head shook a little and even his sleeping face wore a troubled expression. Leo watched as Don kept shaking his head.

“No...” Don said clearly, loudly. “No.” 

He woke himself up, opening his eyes wide, confusion in his expression. Then he spotted Leo and flinched, sitting bolt upright and shuffling away. “What do you want?”

“Do you want some lunch?”

“No.” Don gave an irritated shake of his head then began rubbing at his face.

“I was only going to heat up a tin of soup but…”

Don looked up at Leo in surprise. “Soup…?” He hesitated then nodded. “Thanks.”

“No problem. How are you feeling?”

Don shrugged his shoulders.

“Well are you feeling great? Okay? Shitty?”

Don allowed a smile. “Shitty.”

“Then I’ll bring your soup up. Maybe you’ll feel better with something inside you.”

Don froze and gave Leo a shocked look, before calming and nodding. He tried to sit, winced, and then lay on his side.

“Wounds still bothering you? Let me take a look at them.”

“No thanks.”

Leo was taken aback. “Why not?”

“I’m tired Leo…”

“Wait. Don’t sleep. Let me get your soup.” 

Don sighed and lay back down, shutting his eyes. Even an innocent phrase from Leo sent pangs of dread through him. Donatello wondered how long he would keep feeling like this. Would it ever end? The flashbacks were the worst. They made him flinch as though it was happening right then.

“You know I could always look at your wounds later. After you’ve had more sleep.” Leo said when he returned.

“No.”

Leo held out the soup to Don who shuffled around trying to get in a comfortable enough position that would enable him to eat the soup without spilling it. It was obviously difficult. Leo figured he must have an injury to his glutes and that Don was too embarrassed about it to let Leo check on it.

Don began to eat the soup hungrily, but after half a bowlful he began eyeing it suspiciously, wanting it but not wanting it at the same time.

“You don’t have to eat all right now.” Leo took it from him and put it on the unit beside Don’s bed. “So, what were you dreaming about?”

Don lay back down on his side and frowned at Leo.  “Nothing.”

“It woke you up.”

Don rolled over and put his back to Leo. “Nothing. I should try and sleep.”

“Okay…” Leo pinched his lips together unhappy with Don’s short responses. Don had always been the quiet one, but this was taking it to a whole new level.

Leo turned and banged on Raph’s door.

“What do you want?” Raph glared up at him. He lay in his hammock, magazine in hand.

“What the hell is going on?” Leo demanded. 

“Nothing.”

“Nothing? Do you think I’m an idiot? Something has happened Raph. Something definitely has happened. What’s wrong with Don? What happened to him?” 

“Ask Donny.”

“I’ve asked him and all I get is ‘nothing’. But he’s in a lot of pain, he’s flinching away from me, I think he’s having bad dreams. He won’t eat. You have to tell me so I can help him.” Leo narrowed his eyes at Raph. “Don’t you want me to help him?”

Raph glared at Leo. What kind of stupid fucking question was that? And how could he even answer it. Raph took a deep breath. He wasn’t going to lose it. He was going to keep calm.

“I want Donny to be better too. Give him time.”

Leo shook his head. “Tell me what happened.”

“I can’t!”

“Tell me!” Leo launched forward shoving Raph roughly against the wall. “Why won’t Don talk to me? He always talks to me.”

Raph glowered back at Leo, he was getting angrier by the second. Raph felt terrible as it was, the last thing he needed was Leo tripling the guilt.

“I don’t know. Get the fuck off me.”

“You know Raph. You both know. Don would tell me if it was about him. He doesn’t keep secrets. So this must be about you.”

Raph shoved Leo away. “Get the fuck out of my room.”

“No. What did you do to Don?” 

Raph punched, Leo blocked then followed through with a sweeping kick. Raph jumped, flipping over Leo’s head and running as soon as he hit the floor. Leo was making him see red, and tempting though it was to smash Leo’s face in, Raph couldn’t bear to injure another brother.

***

It was late when he got back. The lair was quiet, everyone in bed. Raph made his way to his bedroom, but hesitated. He felt a need to check on Donny.

Don was awake, frowning at the ceiling. He started when he saw Raph and for a brief moment Raph saw nervousness in Donny’s expression. Raph swallowed. Surely his brother wasn’t scared of him. Was he?

“How are ya?”

“Fine.” Don stared over at him.

There was another long harrowing silence.

“Well I’d better turn in…”

“Wait. I heard you and Leo fighting. It was about me.”

Raph nodded. “He wants to know what I did to you.”

“You didn’t tell him , did you?” Don asked.

“No. I got the hell out of there…”

“Why?”

Raph sucked on his lip. “Incase…” he murmured. “Incase I told the truth.”

“What is the truth?” Don whispered.

“That I hurt you. Really badly.”

“And I hurt you.” Don added. “I did such vile things…” His voice wavered.

Raph scrambled over to Don’s bedside. “Things that I forgive you for Donny.” He took Don’s hand. Don didn’t finch away that time, he stared into Raph’s face with those gorgeous brown eyes.

“You forgive me?” Relief flooded Donatello’s features.

“Of course I do.” Raph squeezed Don’s hand.

“I forgive you too, you know that, don’t you?” Don blinked back tears. He didn’t want to cry in front of Raph, Don always tried to be his strongest in front of Raph.

Raph stared into Don’s eyes. “No… I mean… you do?”

Don nodded. “You didn’t attack me Raph. You were drugged. It wasn’t you. I’ve never blamed you.”

Raph rested his head on Don’s shoulder as he crushed his brother’s hand. “We’re gonna be okay?”

“With each other? Yes.” Don smiled wistfully. “But I don’t think I can forgive myself.”

“You’ve got to Donny. Please.” Raph stroked Don’s cheek. “You didn’t hurt me. I’m fine.”

“You’re not fine, Raph. You’re pretending to be fine. There’s a world of difference.”

Raph shut his eyes. “I can’t forgive myself. Look at the pain you’re in. You’re afraid of me.”

Don stared at him, shocked. “Afraid? I’m not afraid of you.”

“You are. I see it in your face.”

“The only thing I’m afraid of is that you would never forgive me.”

Raph hugged Donny close. “You’re forgiven Donny. Like you said. You were drugged.”

“What about the aliens. Don’t you feel bad about what we did?”

Raph frowned. “Do you?”

“It haunts me. What I did to you. What I did to those aliens.”

Raph pulled out of the hug and grasped Don’s shoulders. “Listen to me. They deserved everything they got…”

“No… they didn’t expect one of their own to go crazy with a canister…”

“Listen to me!” Raph said angrily. “Even if that loon hadn’t gone fucking apeshit with that canister, they still experimented on us. They experimented on us before he went ape with the canister. They made me rape you. Do you think I’d ever forgive them for that? Do you think I’ll ever feel sorry for them after what they made me do to you? They fucking deserved it Donny.”

“I don’t know…” Don stared into Raph’s wild amber eyes. “I understand where you’re coming from, but I just don’t…”

“They deserved it.” Raph said with a tone of finality. 

“I just… I can’t bring myself to think like that…” Don shook his head.

“I know.” Raph murmured. “We’re very different.”

“We’re not that different.”

“If you say so.” Raph snorted. “You’re too sensitive.”

“What?” Don sat back and raised an eye ridge. “You’re the sensitive one!”

“I’m not fucking sensitive.” Raph suddenly broke into a smile. “We really are okay now, aren’t we?”

Don nodded.

“But what are we gonna do about Splinter? Leo and Mike?” Raph asked.

Don frowned. “We tell them that something happened. They know something’s wrong anyway. But we tell them we can’t tell them what.”

“That’s where we are right now. They want us to talk.”

Don looked down at his blanket, then he looked up at Raph and smiled. Raph’s heart melted a little. “We tell them… we tell them that if we want to talk then we have each other.” Don patted Raph’s hand. “We do have each other. Right?”

“Always.” Raph nodded, lacing his fingers with Donny’s. Had he ever felt this close to Donatello before? Raph didn’t think so. The most horrendous, unforgivable thing had happened to them. It could have destroyed them both and their relationship, yet somehow it had brought them closer.

“Though somehow I don’t think Leo will accept that…”

“Well, he’s gonna have to. We can’t tell him what happened. And if he’s an ass about it…” Raph smashed his fist into his hand.

Don gazed at Raph. “I think it’s going to take a long time for me to get over this. If I ever can.”

“Me too.  It’ll be hard. But I’m here for you, Donny.”

Don grinned. “I’m here for you too.” 

The two brothers hugged for a long time, Raph didn’t want to let Donny go and lay on the bed beside him, Don shifted to give him room. Don’s breathing became soft as he slept soundly and Raph shifted comfortably, nuzzling into his brother’s neck, elated that Donny felt safe enough to fall asleep with him there. Raph was so relieved that Don wasn’t afraid of him after all. Things could have been horribly different and Raph thanked his lucky stars that they weren’t. Raph wondered if one day he’d be able to tell Donatello how he felt about him. Perhaps, as they grew closer. Maybe in a few years time when they were older and their emotional scars had begun to heal. But right then Raph didn’t want to spoil it. After all the horror they’d been through were still friends. And closer than ever. 

fin