Art Thieves' Deaths Labeled Suicides

Author's Note: Originally published in the April 28, 2008 anniversary issue of humor webmagazine The Muskrat as a satire about the oft-heard complaints about art thieves.

by Drancron

Duckburg, Calisota (FP) – Cironir has ruled the deaths of notorious patch and dream thieves "Slubber" d'Gullion and Wishy de Ath to be suicides.  His statement has overjoyed many Furcadians supporting the artists formerly implicated in d'Gullion and de Ath's deaths.
	Last January, passersby discovered two bodies spread across several locations in Hawthorn.  After several days of hunting for sufficiently undamaged body parts, Guardians used Pixel-NA tests to identify the bodies as those of cat d'Gullion and his partner, mouse de Ath.  In the following months, evidence connected several dreamweavers and patchmakers with their deaths.  Furcadians hailed the artists as heroes, holding mass vigils in support of the implicated artists.
	Both d'Gullion and de Ath had a reputation as art thieves, allegedly stealing patches and dreams for resale on the black market.  Despite continued public outcry, the cat and mouse team managed to escape banishment despite continued scrutiny from Guardians.  According to one spokesfurre, "They were equal opportunity thieves.  Because they weren't directly harassing anyone, we couldn't take the necessary steps to stop them."
	When asked by reporters how the duo could have managed to brutally dismember their own corpses after dying, Cironir replied, "I figure, if someone knowingly invites the homicidal wrath of Furcadian artists, they're pretty much asking for it.  In my book, that's suicide."

(© 2008-2013 Marvin E. Fuller)