I can’t. I can’t do this. I just can’t!
Breathe Raph. Deep, slow breaths.	
Damn it! I’m trying! Oh god, I can barely breathe!
It’s going to be okay. Just breathe.
No, it’s not! How could I do that to him?!
Block everything out and breathe.
I squeeze my eyes shut, trying my best to keep myself together and focus on my breathing. It isn’t working and my wheezing is only getting louder with every second. My nails are digging deep into my arms and I feel the need to rip my skin off bit by bit. I don’t do it, but the idea isn’t losing its appeal. I need to think about something else –Anything! –   but my brain just keeps going in circles. A name pops into my head and I struggle to hold onto him:
Leo. 
Big brother. 
Fearless Leader. 
Pain in my shell.
My first kiss...
It wasn’t anything special; we only did it for a stupid dare.  Nothing came from it either: there were no sudden crushes, and there sure weren’t any declarations of love (Leo actually turned out to be as straight as an arrow). Shell, I remember the both of us gagging afterwards while Mikey and Donnie laughed. What did you expect? We were only eight when it happened! Again, it was nothing special and it didn’t change anything. 
Now why couldn’t kisses stay simple and unimportant?
Damn it, I can’t stop shaking!
Breathe…